Lifeless Teddy

You are alive yet inanimate
You are there yet not?
You are close yet far
You are precious yet worthless

You are special yet separate
You are amazing yet repugnant
You are gem but yet just a stone
So how to keep you mortal
That's a journey one has forsaken

It is.....

Hooray, hooray. It's holi---holi---holiday....yeah
Hooray, hooray, lets all come and play!

What is my plan for this holiday.
Read lotsa science books...I really have lost touch in science. Maybe studying English and Lit too much can be quite a negative thing...it made me a non-sicence person. But no worries mate (foresee where I can go in that slang), I have it all planned. I have bought a number of books to ensure that I am prepared to teach Science next year. Another subject that worries me, MATHEMATICS...why is primary Math bloody difficult. I am doing a few questions in Secondary Math, which are ridiculously easy...so why primary math is so freakingly difficult...but no qualms....again I have equipped myself with more books....I bought a few assessments books amounting to a few hundreds to help me with all these weakness or problems I may face next year...where I have to take the tail-end EM2 class...challenges, hurdles...I am prepared...along with a group of boring bunch of teachers (prolly because I don't know them well enough), I will survive next year...I will make it my best year...ya rite!

As for now, besides all those readings and school stuff I am preparing for myself, I plan to do some readings....well...trash off coz...I have not been reading since I started teaching (well I read alot, but all kids books..so that don't equate to reading). Besides that a trip, yeah, definitely a trip..I need a holiday urgently...I need to be far far and away for at least a few days....away from reality...to my dreamland where everything goes on a slow pace...love that. I would also wanna bother a few people during these holidays, one of whom I have blatantly declared...I AM GOING TO BOTHER YOU...haha...looking forward to that...stretching people's patience...hmmm...sleep....lotsa sleep...surfing, what else...well....thats enough for a few weeks...shall think of more things to do as I continue my holi...holiday....whatever it is...my teaching for this year is over (minus the tuitions off coz)...and I met a few nice kids (17 in total) during the 6 months I taught...with many wonderful memories I will surely keep with me forever and ever...ok...dramatic a little....I suppose because I am new..so that happens...yup yup...thats it for the year for me...holiday...here I come!

The Last Day of School

It is finally the last day of the school...for the kids at least. For teachers, we would have at least 3 days more next week before we finally call for a break. Six months down, I am already hating this stupid job. Well, to be frank, I still like the teaching part, very much I must say. But I hated other things about the job. I hate the fact that I am bosses around, I hate the fact that I will be teaching P5 next year, I hate a lot things. I am beginning to even hate the people...which is terribly bad...coz I am not normally like that. But no choice, I don't care anymore. Give me whatever they choose, I will try. Initially I thought of fighting for my class, but in the end, I thought it would be fruitless to do so and it will cause me a lot of trouble, so I decided against it. That also after consulting a few teachers. One of the teachers in school actually had helped me out by voicing my interest to go up with my current class. However, after giving some excuses, I was given another class by the PowerCamp coz one particular person ( the big heads off coz) think I am trained in webblogging....like whatever, everyone can do it...not that difficult. It doesnt take an idiot to learn it....so they shouldnt have a problem with it....but because of it, I am stuck...like whatever ( I am not in English or IT, the two depts handling this), but I have to do it...coz the Powercamps said I have to. Unhappy Unhappy UNHAPPY

Which is better?

Questions to Ponder:

Question 1:
You are given to 2 diamonds to choose from. First one, you love it but it is beyond your means. The second is just okay and you are not keen about. Which diamond would you choose and your reason for it.

Question 2:
You are an angel. You are required to send a person one wish. What would that wish be and your reason for it.

Question 3:
After a long tiring trip, someone ask you out. Who would be the likely person for a yes?
a)Your parents
b)The one you love
c)A friend
d)An enemy
Your reason for it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever it is

You don't want to be near
Coz you fear of the rumour you hear

You don't want to be seen
As if it is a sin

Do you really care?
ASK!
That I wouldn't dare

Hurt by this is great,
Life becoming a dread

Could I bury this
Leave it as a hiss

Wish it is that easy
This brain is getting fuzzy
Dealing with it is too dizzy
Making one crazy

Pain

If only I could run,
I would have been far gone.
If only I could hide myself,
It would have been buried deep.

I am losing the control I once have
I am losing the faith I once conquer
I am losing touch of the being that I once held
I am losing the trust I once have for myself

This pain is too much
The anger is too crazy
This hell is too traumatising
This life is too tiring.

Pain

I feel like hailing
I feel like yelling
I can’t take it no more
I have to learn to let go

But why, why am I such a woozy?
But why, why can’t it be easy?

I am tired of pretending
I am sick of seeking the truth

I have lost the track
From all the lies
I have lost the faith
From all the pain

Another Arrow from the PowerCamp

Gosh, yet another arrow...and this time round for the internal audit...how am I suppose to answer the questions....how...how...how...gee....why am I so unlucky....always arroewed to do such things....why am I punished for the lost of those two laptops when I will eventually have to pay for it...why why why....well...I know there will never be answers to all my questions...and no is never an option...the options are always yes or yes to any questions asked....so pointless...just face it and do...the choice isnt mine to make...I have learnt to go with the flow and do whatever is needed of me without any questions...the more you ask...the more work is given to you...so shut up and just do the work assigned to you...sad...but thats life work is for many I suppose...not just for me.

A tiring Raya indeed

What a month it has been...full of challenges...full of arguments...full of anger...full of questions...be it at work, home or anywhere else. Work has been a real challenge...with lotsa things...home...well...home has been alrite actually..except for the fact my gran has been in and out of hospital and boy...has it been physically and mentally tiring for everyone at home. My gran has not been easy though she is sick...looking after her and her demands can also be super tiring. It has been a week after raya and today, again, she is back in hospital. And today my sis sent her to SGH, as per her request...though it is extremely far from our place and she expects us to go over practically everyday....hmmm...and work...with all the demands...dunno how is that possible...I dont even have time for friends these days...not even in raya mood

Your Choice: A Yes or a Yes

WHat kind of an option is that? THe question asked was "Are you you free to go for the workshop?" The answer to it was "No" but off course that was not taken into consideration as I was force to go whether I like it or not. I ended up going for the course. Though I didnt know what I learnt from the course, I did stay till the end of the whole thing and left feeling blur, didnt enjoy myself...another course on Mon, well...my Science course now....kinda looking forward to it...but yet nervous coz I am terrible in Science.

Ignoring the giant

Today I met the giant in school...I can't help it but to ignore her. I know it is cruel of me to do that, but I can't help it. I would rather someone comes staright to my face and tell me I am a terrible teacher. But what giant did was really ruthless, telling others...she may not like me personally, maybe I stepped her toes or simply because she dislikes my face, but that is no excuse to throw such remarks at me. Now I see her differently, now I see her as someone with big...no huge asrse on the mouth...yep...sorry giant....thats how I see you...I wish you could see this...I felt guilty for ignoring her after that, then I talked to her....which is stupid...coz I think she knew I was ignoring her in the beginning as I made it so apparent...to bad...I can't be as ruthless...I wish I could though

A tiring day indeed

I visited Nani again today...by the way...Nani is what I called my grandmother...dunno why...these few days...my heart has been beating very fast...I am very worried about her...the same person I had several arguments with....seeing her like that made me sad....to think she is a super strong woman ...now she becomes so weak....she had very low blood count today...luckily, the doctors found out...she was suppose to be discharged today...she could have suffered a heart attack due to the anaemia...

Then, as promise, I went out with my group of friends...but seriously...my heart was not in the outing...more of home and hospital..suddenly now...I am more concerned about people at home as well as my grand in the hospital...then when my friends wanted to watch a movie after our dinner together...I excuse myself...told them I need to go home...I just feel that it is inappropriate to be enjoying myself when there are so many problems back home...so I went home instead.

I am a terrible teacher!

Well...that was the remarks given to me by one of the teachers. She think I am a terrible teacher who didnt teach her class anything. I am inefficient and I did a terrible job during my first practicum...do I agree to that accusation...DEFINITELY NOT...I may not be a superb teacher....but one thing for sure...I know I am NOT a TERRIBLE teacher...I tried my best during the first as well as the second practicum...I knew all along she doesnt like me....but never expected her to tell others I am a terrible teacher. WT...thats her name by the way....was shock when 2 other teachers (2 of them: Mdm P and Ms AP) disagreed with her. Well...I thought she was a terrible teacher...her class was noisy when she was teaching yet she didnt do anything...I disciplined them....according to her...this I am not sure...the kids didnt understand a single thing that I taught to them....well...that made me think...what were the actual stuff that I taught those kids...so what I did...I looked through my practicum file....looked at the lesson plans and my evaluation forms....all of them....below are some of the things I taught the kids

1)I taught them how to write recounts...I gave them the breakdown and even showed an example and key areas found in a recount using a storyline and went thru the structure as well as the grammatical aspects of such writings. I used a skeleton as an example and asked them to fill the empty skeleton

2)Then in guided reading, the topic was on healthy living...so what I did...I showed them slides on different types of activities...then I showed slides on Animals' race...which I thought was interesting...but apparently...the kids learnt nothing...hmmm

3)Then after that I linked their Field trip with sports by showing sports for crocodiles...then I linked it to the Sports Meet as well...

4) We talked about advertisement and then I ask the kids to prepare an advertisement and promote their product. They did a role play as buyers and sellers....and I thought they had fun and there were many teaching point that was highlighted during that lesson.

5) Back to basic...I also taught grammar...unlike Mdm WT...who didnt use much IT...I used slides to show the effect for past, present and future tense...then I gave them a set of dialogue they are to identify the grammatical aspect of it...which I thought they did well...coz I wrote notes for that....if they didnt understand the lesson,...they would not have been able to do the exercise I suppose...well...what to do...I am a terrible teacher...according to Mdm WT

6)We did about sharks as well...not only did I cover the different type of sharks....I even asked the kids to research on different aspect of sharks...using KWL

7) My comparative and superlative lesson with the class went extremely well..infact...I received straight As from both my CT (Mdm WT) as well as my school supervisor...hmmm...and I was a bad teacher...yep...I dont understand.

8) I linked the earlier lesson about sharks to teach adjectives....describing words...the kids...again...did well...this was done thru wordweb...this we started with animal ESP...a game I played with them in class.

9) Linking to sharks...we talked about danerous creatures...another interesting lesson...the kids were excited about the research and were eager to share with the class about their findings.

10)Then off course....the normal lessons...those not basic fundamentals of English such as grammars, punctuation, vocabulary and all other stuff..

So...am I still a terrible teacher? I really doubt so...my hands were tight then...I cant drill those kids...I had to showcase interesting lessons to score point...thats the whole idea about practicum...anyone can vouch for that...I was always thinking of different method and trying them even though they were risky...I will always take the risk...I used learning centre, KWL, wordweb, stations, gallery and other methods to make the lesson more appealing for the kids....so am I still a terrible teacher...well....I doubt so...I can't say I am a good one...all I can say is I am trying to improve myself all the time and still learning...though I am full-fledged now....angry as I am with such remarks....it wont make me falter...it just made me stronger...to show her and people like her...I am not what she thinks I am...too bad...I got into her bad book...that I can't help...if she dislike me...I can't make her like me.

Searching the soul

How can I say I don’t care?
When my heart screams otherwise
How can I give it a rest?
When it is my heartbeat

Is this what one’s call egotism?
I knew I have it let it go
I just couldn’t
I knew it would be condemning
But yet I trace it

What options do I have?
When I can’t let it go
What route should I seize?
When every direction I make has restrictions

If I could just it cease
I would stop this feeling
Stop caring and stop ensuring myself
That everything will be eventually all right
When it could never be
When it never will

Heavy Heart

This heart is heavy to let it go
This heart ache for it to come
This heart is painful as it is
What is wrong with this heart

Tried as heart
This heart does not listen
Force as much
This heart weakens

Though the pain is too much to bear
This heart is saying "Not to give up"
This heart is pushing "Move on"

Though many times the byes are said
This heart just won't let go
This heavy heart is out to ruin the life
The life that was never there in the first place

A new semester begins

Before I know it, my holidays are over. Was it a holiday? Not really! Yes, I didnt have to teach the kids, yes no need to have piles and piles of marking to add on to the existing ones.

What I did during the holidays:

(i) Plan the banner for the vendors
(ii) Call and keep calling the vendors to liase with her on the banners for Mid Autumn Festival celebration for the school
(iii) I World I teach lecture...though it was a bore...the ending was interesting. I enjoyed the skit.
(iv) SA2 paper: I did the paper with Mdm Rathni...it was a breeze working with her
(v) Finished up the PowerPoint on pollination
(vi) Prepared a quiz on the topic on pollination
(vii) Prepared a poster for Mid Autumn Festival to be displayed in the school
(ix) Clear all my amrkings
(x) Did the erecord for the next two weeks
(xi) Plan the new things I want to try with the class to improve their writing skill

Well, thats what I remembered...I think that should be all. However, I also did enjoy myself a little bit.
-Meet up my buddies and catch up
-Meet up my NTU mates and enjoyed the coffee session at Starbucks
-Shop a little
-Karaoke session
-Watch a few dvds
-Gym
-Jog
-Dyed my hair....though it doesnt seem to show
-And most importantly sleep sleep sleep

And tomorrow onwards, a new chapter of my life will begin. Why is it a new chapter? Hmmm...because I need to close the old book as there's too much sadness in the old book...a lot of mishap happened to me...I knew I am an unlucky person...but never would I have guessed I am that unlucky.

When tomorrow comes,
-I aim to work harder at work to make people see beyond my freak lost
-To take bus to school
-To do better at work, at home, with friends and everything I will do in life
-To choose a better in path and not rake the past.

So tomorrow...here I come

When I am gone...

When I am gone,
I do not want to be recognised,
I want to be remembered.

When I fade,
I don't to just dissolve.
I want to be mentioned,
By my loved ones.

When I fall,
I don't want to be discard,
But I want to be missed.

And...
When I diminish,
I don't want the cries,
I want the smiles,
I want you to remember the happy moments.

Pain

This pain
Comes again
Not that I ask for it
Not that I want it

This pain
Comes suddenly
A sudden attack
A sudden pin

This pain...
Why this pain occurs,
I don't know
How to make it disappear
Is beyond me...
But I know
This pain is here to stay
Until I learn to let it go
Until I am strong again

Teaching

AP and I were discussing about teachers and their passion in teaching. Well, come to think of it, I miss my 17 kids who see me as one of them, who always add me in everything they do, to name a few so far: 1)When the school photographer asked them how many pupils there are in the class, they innocently said 17 + 1(our teacher). Then during NE show, twice they showed me they care, 2)They added me when they took the National Day's bag and 3) Added me yet again when they collected their food.

I am definitely touched my all these from the kids. Ive had a bad patch recently, when I lost my laptop. I was actually thinking, probably if I am not in this line and not have too many things on my mind, I may not have to incur the lost (of paying the 2 laptops I lost). But when I received a card from a student(amongst the many beautiful cards and presents), I was so touched. The kid (although some of the teachers threw unkind words to me) said something(though kinda ruthless) touched me. She felt my pain. That little (11 year-old) kid felt my pain when adults couldn't. She actually wrote in the card, Ms Z...I know you have been very sad lately when you lost your laptop. Although all of us could not give you a new laptop, I hope the person fingers will rot when he touched the laptop he took from you. No! I did not tell her to do so! But the fact that she knew how miserable I have felt touched my heart. Moreover, the sharkies have been so much better the last week or so, they have become my little dolphins..all of them! All these gestures from my kids are greatly appreciated.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~These are my angels~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Primary 5.12~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why??

Why do women want to have what they cant?
Why do women like to play with fire?
When they know they will burn?

Why do women think everything is okay about anything
But remains miserable about everything

Why women have to feel more pain than men?
Why do they stay when they know it hurts more than to leave?

Why women prefer to feel more pain?
Than to leave and be happier?

Why must women start thinking like men?
When men are not doing the same?

Has anyone wonder these questions?
Have they ever been answered?

The kids have hearts

Well, my kids...I mean my students heard about my lost...well...the two laptops off coz...and what they said was so sweet....don't worry Ms Z....we shall each contribute $50 for Teachers' Day, then u can buy your laptop...how sweet is that....well...they have always plus me for everything these days...photography session...the photographer asked...how many students are there in the kids...the kids replied...theres 17 of us but must plus our teacher so 18 altogether...then during NE day, they added me when they took the bags, again counted me in when they took the food....how sweet rite...I'm sooo touched....yes...they have their naughty days...and trust me...I always get angry...amidst all these, they are simply sweet and adorable...it even moved me to tears when they said they want to give $50 dollars each....off course I reject the offer...I told them as long as they dont get into trouble and study very hard...they make me happy...don't need to even buy me a gift and waste their money.

I sure hope there are more people out there who have pure hearts as these kids...they are just my angels....all of them!

Lost of two laptops

How I wish yesterday didn't happen; at least not like it was yesterday

The yesterday refers to the fateful day: 21st August 2006, the day I lost 2 of the school's laptops. It made me fall to a depressive mode. How could anyone who found it not return it. It is so valuable to me. I do not mind rewarding the person who took it. The laptops are Fujitsu S6220 and Apple I-book. I am writing this hoping that anyone who read it to pass the message around. Hopefully, the person who has it will return it to me.

This is how it happened:

I left the laptops in the cab at the back seat on my way to school from Hougang Ave 1 to Hougang Street 93 on Mon 21 August 2006 at 630 am - 640 am. Upon realising it soon after, I called the cab company and frantically tried locating the driver but to no avail as I do not have the taxi plate number. Please pass this message around to your friends. I cant believe that Singaporeans are this dishonest. Please return the laptops to me. I will grateful to you, whoever who has any information about the person holding 2 laptops which he/she found in a cab or even the cabbie who had found 2 laptops.

I am already losing hope and trust for my fellow Singaporeans. I am appealing for your kindness as there are many documents that are important to me in the laptops. Thank you again for all the kind souls out there.

You can email me at mszarinah@hotmail.com if you have any information.

Its 2 Short Days

Gosh, I am wrong. I have this idea that the day will end at 12 noon. But it doesnt seem to end. I am bored! I have nothing to do, and yet I am stuck here. Its torturous. But whatever it is, once I can go home, I will do that straight away. Looking forward to that....yeah!

Dedication

I found out from AP that one of my students had actually sent me a teachers' day message. I didnt know about the website...and boy was I pleasant suprised.

The message is as such:
Thank you Miss Zarina for guiding me through my studies. I will do my best in the exams and make my family and my favorutie form teacher proud! ...

Gee....I am so touched by the message. I never know I would touch a child's heart. I do hope that I will make a difference to these kids lives, for the better off course. I dunno how I am going to do that, but I will try. I cant be the best teacher but I can try and make a difference!

Coz I know there are a few teachers who have made a difference in my life as a student, to these people, thank you for your endless effort and guidance!

Arrow Shooting at Me

Nope nope, its not the cupid, it is not shooting the love potion to me, its work work work. Yep, because of work, I had to rescheduled my course to another date, because of work, I had to do more lesson than I am already required. Work work work! It is starting to make me feel sick! Not sick of the kids, but the arrows!

And yep, I am unhappy, unhappy that I have to print my own notes? WHY WHY WHY?? Because they are not intelligent?! Because they are not smart?! Because they are not worthy of the worksheets?! Why?! Why must kids be labelled as such?! WHY?! I dunno it will do them any good the practice worksheets that I am giving them. SOmetimes, I know its too difficult for them. As much as I tried to explain the simple concepts and get them to understand that actually, the questions were not that difficult after all, they were just tricky, but these kids...hmmmm, they still don't understand! Why?! WHY?! WHY?! It is beginning to irritate me! Where the hell am I suppose to find books, assessment books, that are relevant to their needs and requirements! Help me here! I have tried finding them in bookstores but I don't seem to be able to get the right assessment books to cater to their needs. All the assessment books are catered for the intelligent kids, WHAT HAPPEN TO THE EM3s? Why are they forgotten by publishers? WHY WHY WHY?!

TGIF

Well, goodness off coz Friday is finally here. However, I have a lot of things of do this weekend. How good can that be? I have to run a few errands after school today for tomorrow's feast at home. Have to be at home tomorrow for the feast. And before I know it, it will be Sunday again. And preparations for work the next day as well as my tuition. How sad life can be....so again, like many weeks before, I dont have much fun on a weekend!

CONVOCATION: Family

CONVOCATION: Friends

The moments in time

These are my moments of glory....with my loved ones, my family and my friends....more pics to come after my graduation on 24th July. At the moment, the pictures during the investiture:


My buddies and I


My family


My friends


My friends and I


My family and I


My friends and I

Dear....

Dear...
You stood by me when everyone thought I've failed
You never gave up even during the darkest hour
You always stand strong besides me
You are my strength, my pillar

You provide me with priceless knowledge
For without you,
I am incomplete

You are my treasure
My precious diamond
My dear mummy

Thanks for everything

Finally...

Yep, its finally Investiture tomorrow...not really excited about it....dunno why. However, very much looking forward to it, coz I can finally leave work early...hehe...nah...not loafing around...coz I need to attend my graduation....and most importantly meet my buddies....it feels sooooo long since we last hang out and crap about anything and everything. Everyone seems to be bogged with work these days...sadly...so end up having very little time to even meet online. So tomorrow my darlings, we shall all meet up....the self-absorbed people...hehe...will have our own congregation in the later part of the day....yeah we have to work on Wednesday...but what the heck....we gonna have fun...how little it may be...and how costly it may be...espcially for our sleep....we shall meet and have fun...all of us....and babes...and ya...the single hunk in the group...we shall all go somewhere to take pictures...lotsa pictures one of these days...sooooo fun...soo looking forward to that...I'm already thinking of a few places we can all have our pictures taken...all superbly nice....and ju...she is planning to maybe drive....so if everyone trust he ability to drive, maybe we can all fork out a little and share the cost of the rental of the car...and have a rendevous together during one of the weekends...till tomorrow 11 July 2006....cheerios darlings...see you all tomorrow and I am sure we are all looking forward to 24 July. That is something I look forward to soooo much...so fun....so syiok...hehe...alrite...shall go now...before I start blabbering nonsense!

I've sold my life to the devil

What a pity! This life is no longer mine. It has been taken away from me, the devils, their fault, life has become worse as the day passes. Now, I dont even have a minute for myself. Like now I have turned into a devil myself....and I am hating myself for this....I'm not treating my friends as equals. I no longer have time for them. A 5 min chit chat is also hardly to come by now. Thinking abt what to write is also getting more difficult...oh no....my mind is blocked....its all because of the monsters...sucking my blood. Soon it will be drained....and I foresee a rather sad ending, I super hope it would not happen coz I dread the day...I may just take drastic action which may be detrimental to my being.

Bogged with work

If by the end of the year I am still alive and kicking, I shall count my blessings. This week has been the worst week, and sadly, the worst has yet to come. I only discovered that I have tons of work to do for my dept and level. I need to actually check about 300 species of plants. How the hell I am going to do that, I seriously have no idea. Next, I was informed I have to work like hell the next few days for the Excel Fest. I don't care, I shall have some break. I will try and go out on Fri but sadly, I predict Sat is definitely out since I have to send the kids back to school and bring all the stuff back to school as well. Then during the meeting today, another news came. I am going to be in charge of the non-core dept website, me, who hates computer, is going to be in-charge of that....imagine....then, if that isnt bad enough, my class is chosen for blogging. The kids in my class will definitely love this. I had this in mind even when I was in NIE, however, I never thought I would have to do it weekly, its kinda stress to have to go according to the plan coz I feel blogging is something one does when one feels like writing, and not forced into. I will try and encourage writing to the kids, hopefully it is a success. Luckily, my class is not the only group, the other EM3 class will be doing with us as well...maybe this could improve the kids writing and tehy are able to express themselves better through blogging...so I shall give it my best shot. I know this is neverending, I chose the line, so I shall serve my time appropriately and please God, ensure I do not make a blunder out of this.

Disappointment

Untrue to tell you I am fine
Coz I am not
Untrue to tell you I am okay
Coz it is just pretense

Lying to tell you I am alrite
When you asked
Lying to tell you I am solid
When I am at rock-bottom

I dont wish to pretend
I dont wish to falter
But I know you will bent
And everything will alter

I dont wish for changes
I want it as it is
But I also know my wishes
Is not in God's list

I just cant sit
Coz my life dont not fit
Even when I have the wit
We can never hit

The Wake Between Life and Death

Though the lights are glimmering
It is glitters of darkness
Though the crowd is cheering
There is a sense of quietness

All one could hear
Is one's own breath
Fighting to keep it alive

The wires are still intact
But it is not helping
The machine is working
But it is slowly fading

All one could remember
Is one's desire to see the sun
Fighting to keep it alive

Death Act

A friend recently lamented about life and brought the issue of suicide. Instead of telling the person to go against it, I helped the person to think of ways to die..though the ways may not be exhaustive...and pleaseeeeeeeeee, those who read this, do NOT attempt any of it coz its juz a joke to make the person think and value life, so I added humour in some of the ways. And too bad I could not add all the emoticons, it would have been more impactful.

Below is the list and the consequence of each method:

1. Hit/bang your head till you die
You will die with excessive bleeding on your head, UGLY

2. Sing until you die
Your throat will swell so much it covers your face

3. Plunge to your death
You will be splattered and all the beautiful skin gone wasted

4. Gunpoint to yourself
Hmmm, but with a toygun, so in the end get bored and die with all the make up gone

5. Laugh till u die
Sure, you'd be so wrinkled, again...UGLY

6. Cry till no water left on your body
Imagine, shrink yet bloated...visualize the reasons for that

7. Freeze to your death
Then you will die like a ghost, so ugly with wrinkles all over

8. Drown yourself to death
You will look horrific when bloated, just imagine

9.Scream to your death
Like no. 2, only worst

10. Punch yourself till you die
OUCHHHHHHHH! Then you need a pyschiatrist if you are able to do that, not death

11. Saw to your death
But must watch those thriller movies first, and you must also be a pyscho

12. Vomit till you die
Die with puke all over, SMELLLY

13. Burn yourself to death
Pain Pain Pain

14. Tickle yourself to die
Wrikles again, especially on the eyes area

15.Kick yourself till you die
But you need to cut your legs first, saw look at saw

16. Run till you die
Hmmm, imagine all those muscles bulging on you, and you will perspire and all...yucks

17. Do acrobats till you die
But you might die with your face on the butt if you fold yourself wrongly, UGLY!

There should be more ways, just can't remember them anymore..You can add on if you need to...please feel free to do so...but friends....thinking of the ways is much harder than just valuing your life as it is, so make the wise choice...choose to live....life is never easy, the challenges make life worth to stay alive. Be smart, not drab!

Sentosa

On Monday, June 12, my NIE mates and I went to Sentosa for our group's bonding session, not that we are not bonded enough, hehe, we are going out with each other a lot...hehe...especially lately. But thank goodness, if not, I am sure I would be more miserable than I am now...yeah

Anyway, the things we did we

Luge and Skyride
Carlsberg SkyTower

Those rides were fun, especially the first one. Gosh the Luge ride was like a go-cart, super fun, can speed, but I was behind a weirdo who did not know how to get the car in the rite mode, was going on a frenzy, and me being me, don;t want any injury to myself went pretty slow, just to avoid the crazy driver. My friends went real fast I think. They were back much earlier than I am. But it was fun nevertheless

Some memorable moments: Picture moments as usual

Exterminate this pathos

Demolish it
Abolish it
Slaughter it
Abrogate it!

This sorrow
This pain this
This desolation
This degradation

Punish me
Hurt me
Injure me
Shatter me

I'm gone
I'm done
I'm a coot
I'm out of the boot

So it's over
So it's leaden
So it's finish
So it's goodbye

Exterminate it
Clear it
Cleanse it
This pathos in me

Princess of Darkness

Perplex as the mind is
Rattling on the past and present
Interwoven in between
Nestled by the darkness
Complicating the mind and soul
Entangled between reality and fiction
Staggering for the truth to emerge
Sensing a misfortune in life

Optimism is beyond grappling
Fantasy is the infelicity

Dumbing the forsaken mind
Angling towards disaster
Ravishing the moments as it comes
Kinder deprivation is seek
Nothing seems an exhilirating
Endless pain at extrimity
Sunking for sure
Stumbling at terminal

Confusion

You always disorientate me
Abashing me into deeper misunderstanding
Unsettling this mind
Into an uneven madness

You keep me in daze
Muddling into my inner sense
Rioting between the good and evil
Shambling me into the ghetto

Destiny

I get it now
I understand now
I am insignificant to you

Didn't realise
Never knew
I am gullible to you

Will end it all
Will stop it now
This game we've had

Never to worry
Never to bother
Have deleted everything

Let's just forget
Let's just head our way
To our life's destination

This smile

This smile
May just be a façade
It may not reflect the truth

We are playing our roles here
Keeping the smile to make others happy
If we can’t be happy,
Why not let others be happy

Lost Right Now

Tried as I might
Can't get the life back
Fight as I might
Can't block the memory track

Lie as I would
Can't hide from you
Bluff as I would
Can't wish to be true

I will try to block it out
I will attempt to get it out

I will survive the bout
I will clean the doubt

Humanity

Do not hope for gold
As you may just sell your soul
Do not wish for plenty
As it could lead to misery

Ensure we don't let it control our live
Make us no better than a ruthless mammal
A soulless creature with no warmth

Anorexic

What is anorexia?
In basic form, it is eating disorder, which most of my friends are having. I may have had the same problem once upon a time, but why does one become anorexic. Before I tackle that question, let me go through the tale-signs of an anorexic person (ju, please look thorugh this...impt for u!).
1. Refusal to maintain normal body weight
2. Denial that the person is skinny
3.Scared of becoming fat when they are actually thin
4. Kept saying they are fat when they are not
5. Feeling depressed, withdrawn or compulsive behaviours
6. Having unnecessary fears about gaining weight

Well, maybe there are a lot more tell-tale signs that I am not aware of. But surely, having gone through all these I may think that I may have had that problem once though lucky for me, I was able to get out of it before it became detrimental to my life. My reasons for that is stress. During a certain period, I undergone a huge stress which I was unable to handle. And the best way, or the only way I know then, something that I can handle and tackle easily, my weight. I became skinny and kinda sickly, Did my stress go away? Definitely not, I still have to overcome the stress and face it. But I am lucky and not everyone is as lucky. So what is the reasons for people to face this problem?

According to this site I read, this disease usually appear in bright, attractive young women between the ages of twelve and twenty-five, although there are both older and younger exceptions. (. On the same site, you can read the people who are at risk of having it. But I will highlight generally those who are high-risk of anorexia

1. Female adolescents are generally at risk of anorexia nervosa. In addition, the following are particularly at risk:
ballet dancers;
athletes;
perfectionists;
over-achievers;
those who have been generally over-weight.

So the best cure to this is by preventing it. We shoudl have a positive attitude in life and not develop unrealistic goals and aims for ourselves. And most improtantly, live life to the fullest and happily to our fullest potential, never push ourselves insane as it may cause problems which we never invite.

Why

Why ask
When you don't care
Why bother
When you don't give a damn

Why pretend
When you don't bother
Why act
When you don't even explain

Shut off!
Sure...
You are good

Shut off!
Sure...
It could be solve

Whatever it is
Won't bother
Whatever it is
Won't care

Will just let it go
Will just set it free
This ache, this mind

A slap of the truth

Though I told myself not to wait
I did
Though I tried to be strong
I'm weak

Though I said no
I did
Though I kept holding on
I freak

See what happened then
A truth
Slap on the face
A truth
I seek to see
A truth I don't wish of me

I am unhappy with it
But I shall accept it
I am unhappy with it
But I shall endure it
I am unhappy with it
But I shall face it!

Need to be me

I don't want to let you go
But I have no choice

I don't want you to leave
But I know you will

I don't want to hope
But my heart is doing so

I don't want you to disappear
But I know you are

I don't know what I want anymore
As what I want is not what I will get

So to hell with me
To hell with life

I just need to move on
I just need to be strong
I just need to be the me
I know best!

A Slip of Happiness

A few people have written to me about the way I wrote my poems. I am extremely thankful for all the comments. Most mentioned abt how depressing my poems are and it does not seem to reflect the way I look. My only take for that is, "Never judge a book by its cover". Well, I am not saying I am a depress freak, neither am I saying I am living in heaven, off coz, in life there are ups and downs...some of those I have written co-relate to my life, others are observations or objects of my imagination.

Anyway, I tried to give a shot at writing a happy poem, A slip of happiness, but after writing it, I realise, its not all happy, probably thats how I see life, never truely happy, or maybe I dont appreciate life enough...whatever it may be, I suppose just read it and enjoy it!


I want to offer you my life
I want to offer you my soul
I want to offer you my being
For my passion for you is real

But all I can offer is a ray of light
A sip of hope,
A wish upon the star
A cup of happiness

For all I can offer you is
MY HEART

Well, in this poem we may see it in different aspect. I suppose when one reads it, one may think I am writing of my love for a guy, which is not true. It is written for my passion and love which is slowly depleting, especially after today.

Finally: An Official Letter

I finally receive an official letter for my posting...it took MOE this long to send me my posting, unshockingly, I got back the practicum school. Well, without my buddy this time round. They broke our force. Now left the two of the crazy three there in the school. Will I be as crazy with one of my buddies sent to another school? I really dunno. But am I stress about going back? Kinda! Its a new challenge and I sure hope I will be okay there...wont ruin the kids life...not intentionally at least...must write that clause....hehe...Anyway....I am ready to face the new challenge....excited about the new challenge? Nope not really...thats a fact of life...who loves work...not me definitely!

Blotter On!!!

Well, you know...that is definitely the favourite activity of my group...my NIE group off coz...if one person blot the face...everyone will do it...like yesterday...we were at Civil Defence Academy...it was to me a cool place...they showed us advance technology, and the Red Rhino...looks pretty cool...I even got an opportunity to hold the hose, yesh....when I on the pipe...I did jerk behind a little...I even asked the fireman...if I would fly away...he said.."No worries.., you wont coz I'm behind u"....and yeah, it was fun...

But again, the highlight was at the canteen, when every single one of us in the group, namely, Angiebie, Suzanne, Jujubie, Masiebie, Elise and myself blotted our faces. We even compared the amount of oil we have on our faces...hehe...isnt that cool...hahahaha....

But I must say, the last few weeks or so, we have all come closer to one another, having a lot of time spent together and getting to know each others strengths and weaknesses...thats really really cool...I sure hope...this frienship will go on...more blotter days together, spending time doing crazy things together, becoming food critics and confusing waiters with our ordering style and all....may there be more of that together..coz its definitely FUN and ENJOYABLE!

Sing! My angel of music...

Not exactly angelic voices. But well, my friends and I went Ka-ra-o-ke-ing together (finally after soooooooooo long of trying to convince everyone to do). I don't know if everyone enjoys it but we had a whole lot of fun nevertheless. Let me go through each of them and the speciality.

Starting with...

Mas, she sang Unbreak my heart with full expression....and you should have seen the action...it was swaying Elise...hahahaha....the dude was looking super stressed when Mas approached him and singing...hahahaha...but at least...that got him singing eventually...and mas....shy too intially...but after a while....she went on pretty well...singing her way...now back to elise

Elise, boy...the guy is super shy...or pretending to be shy...hehe...it was sooo hard to get him to sing. But when the song Creep by radiohead was on, he sang it in full force, and its so suitable for a man...the song went like...I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell I'm doing here...I don't belong here....it must have been what he felt at that moment..next Suzanne

Suzanne, I tell you is the Queen of karaoke...definitely, she knows every single song I selected and some of which she selected, no one even knows....she knows a lot of song....she even said...and I quote...the lyric just come to your head...how so....I don't know...hehe, then there's Ju

Ju, we had a whole selection of Backstreet boys songs...and gee...the gal...knows a lot of those guys songs...she was singing to most of their songs...though she refused to use the microphone most of the time....so difficult to get her to use the mike to sing....and then theres me...

I felt like a deejay...was asking them to choose songs to sing...no one seems to be doing it..so what I did, I went to chose practically most of the songs, most of which are karaoke songs...hehe...then finally..I wnted to sing this rock version of an indonesian song ended up with the dangdut version which was irritating..but I sang it still...though most of the time...out of tune...coz I have only heard the rok version of the song...hehe

So whats our finale song...this classic malay rock song...hehehe...we...us...sang that song together...its Suci dalam Debu...means Purity in Ashes..haha...and again this time round, elise refused to sing the 'kental' song. It was one of the moments we all let loose and get comfy with each others nonsense and croaking...overall...I enjoyed it soo much, especially the post singing dinner....it was one of the many best moments of spent with my NIE buddies...you people are the greatest...too bad Angie wasnt around to join the croaking session...it would have been a complete force.

All the injuries I suffered

These are all the injuries I suffered from my cycling trip


The side of my right palm


My right knee


My right elbow


My left palm


Left near the elbow


Yeah, all those are injuries I suffered during one cycling trip. Was it painful,,,definitely! Would I stop cycling? Would that deter my spirit from trying, I doubt so. But to heal, I will keep away for a while. I am sure my friend does not think likewise, that would be the last cycling trip my friend would ever joined me...that bit I am sure...hahaha!

What a Pain!

Nah, its not about a person. It's about my fall. And yeah, I had a fall, from the bicycle to be exact. Everything went smoothly. Was fine throughout the journey, in fact I just was thinking to myself...I may consider the trip my friends are suggesting...cycling to desaru...its sure sounds fun...and yeah...I am cycling well...I might be slow..because of my muscle ache...but yeah...I managed to cycle pretty ok...till I had the big fall...I hit on this guy, who was luckily not injured. My friend and the dude went to the nearest shelter to clean the wound. My helpful friend cleaned the wound for me then as I was too freaking shock and was in pain to react. In fact, I was also feeling giddy. Suddenly, another 2 policemen came to help. One of them and the dude kept asking me if I am ok, which pissed me off but as I was in pain, I just kept quiet. They gave my friend the tape and plasters.

After that, everything went slow. Because of me, we were unable to cycle anymore. Feeling bad, I told my friend to just continue cycle and I'l walk on my own, but my dear friend is sweet...didnt do it. walked with me....though I am sure I must have spoilt the fun of cycling with my fall...:(....but I couldnt bend my knee without feeling the pain...so I tried to cycle but i couldnt.

We even took breaks along the way as I got tired. Luckily, though after the fall...I felt blurred, I didnt faint...my endurance to pain is low...as usual, but I was accustomed to the pain after a while, and finally about 1 km away from our destination, we cycled super slowly back to the jetty. And then off we go! That was it for the trip.

Would I stop all these cycling...no I wont, but next time I will be more carefu, especially on slopes. And yeah, I am still considering the cycling trip with my friends. Do it while you can...I suppose thats myy principle.

Sabah: Painful Trip

A lot of problems happened before my trip to Sabah. We were cheated of our money by our travel agent, Ahmad. Was extremely angry...I so wanted to ruin his name...but thinking bad....I am not that evil. So I decided to let the matter rest.

Then on the day of the journey, I had mixed feelings, the climb was rather scary. My dear bro accompanied me down and we had to wait rather long for the cab to finally come.

When we were at Senai Airport, we found out our flight was delayed for 1 and half hour. So we all waited patiently, and me being me, went around disturbing my friends.

When we finally reached Sabah, our agent picked us up at the airport and we made our way to hill lodge, where we stayed for a nite before our climb to Laban Rata. We started from Timpohon Gate and we had several pit stop to have a breather before continuing our journey. We reached Laban Rata after a good 6 hour plus climb. We took longer then the expected time. But yeah, it was a wonderful climb, tiring as it was, it taught me endurance and perseverance. Most importantly, it taught me patience and aim for the destination.

At 230am, we were all suppose to make our way to Mt Kinabalu. Me, being me again, chickened out. My body was in pain. My leg hurts and I had a headache. I was also too afraid, especially hearing what the guide said. Hold on to the rope tightly, if you dont want to fall to your death. Your nose will bleed due to the high altitude. All that made me fear the climb even more, so I finally made the decision not to continue and wait at Laban Rata for my friends.

While waiting at Laban Rata, I had a few weird experiences. Firstly, someone knocked on my door at about 430am. I didnt opened the door as it was scary. I just ignored the person. Then at about 15 minutes later, while lying on my side on the bed, I could feel someone breathing at my neck. That was super scary. I never felt the way I felt. It could be my imagination prolly because I was alone, so my imagination ran wild. Whatever it was, I definitely didnt see any presence, just felt it, thank goodness!

Finally, after that, at 12 noon, we all made it down and took abt 5 hours plus to go down. And off coz, we missed our flight to KL and had to rebook 7 tics to KL on the same nite. That was costly! But we had no choice.

In KL, I was pleasantly suprised when I found out my friends actually stayed on the same floor next to my room. That was really a coincidence, like what Ju said, maybe we are all fated to be together...hehe....but unfortunately we could not spend soo much time together there.

Then at nite, we went zouk. I dunno whats the big deal about the place. I ddint enjoy it much. But I just force myself to have fun...since I was already there so might as well. Then the next day, the supposed shopping trip, though I spent most of the time sitting coz my whole body was aching and I couldnt really be bothered to shop. Was more keen about sitting down and relaxing.

But despite everything, I did have the best time there had so much fun and it was definitely an experience for me...you never know...my next climb, prolly Wall of CHina..hehe


My buddies who went for the climb


Me at hill lodge feeling cold


At Timpohon Gate at Mt Kinabalu


My NIE buddies whom I met in KL

Sad no more

A new beginning to life
A new chapter to begin
A new place to start
A new journey to explore

Is life that easy
Is life that hard
is life that simple
Is life that complicated

Whatever life has arrange
Persevere
Withstand the pain
Enjoy the bliss
Life will be better
Life will be more meaningful
Then you will sad no more

What a Journey!

You must be thinking I am gone and back...well no...the thing is...this trip...to Sabah has become the most challenging trip of my life...and its only to Malaysia! Gosh,...my friends and I lost money because we were cheated by a guy from Sabah name Ahmad...the idiotic man who used our money, probably for gambling and did not book our Kinabalu longding. He caused a lot of problems for us...and Ive made several...countless calls to the idiot just for the money...bloody toot...anyway...after all that thank God...with Yana's effort...we finally got another package...hopefully it wont be a problem this time round...and finally...I am gonna climb Kinabalu...when I am back...I shall post some beautiful sight I capture there...hopefully I am able to climb up...coz I am kinda troubled about the fact that I am going there actually...a bit worried...and after the trip...I shall go KL...meet my NIE mates...yeah...peeps...see ya there...till then...dont miss me so much...and people in Singapore too...miss me lots ya...hehe!

School's out

A few days back, I did my lasttttttttttttt paper...I sure felt relieved but there was also another feeling..fear of the future. From now onwards, life will be dedicated to work. And I have to move a step in life..Well, ready or not..here i come. I dunno if I am gonna be good at it...Ive been blessed for the last 2 months(though it can be rocky) and the last pract...but that doesnt mean...the journey ahead will be easy...I am sure there will be rocky moments and I need to persevere and I sure hope I am strong enough to do all that. For all my buddies in the same boat...cheerios for us...and to our new beginning

Life

Life endless pressure
Drives one to madness

Life endless sadness
Drives one to nothingness

Life treasures
Drives one to greed

Life challenges
Drives one to meanness

Life stature
Drives one to pain

Could one have been thinking too much
Could one succumb one's own desires

Maybe one should regain one's life diamonds
And sort out the gold
To have life joyful moments

When I am gone

When I am gone,
Would I be missed?
Or would I be forgotten
Like a decayed leave?

If you are gone
You shall not be missed
As you never leave my heart

Roller Coaster

How is you life like?
Mine has been uneven
Sometimes up sometimes down

Have you ever taken a roller coaster?
That is how my life has been
Sometimes heaven, sometimes hell

Have you ever watch a movie
It depicts my life
Sometimes good sometimes bad

What about your sleep?
How has it been?
Mine has been sometimes peaceful, sometimes disturbing

So what is routine about my life?
Waking up at the same time everyday
Going through the same motion in life
Sleeping at the end of the day

Is that a routine?
Or is that life simplistic view?
What is wrong with life?
When no one is happy with the roller coaster

Sick Joke!

Pissed
Is that an understatement?
Indeed it is!

Angry
Is that too much?
Gee, who cares!

Throwing words because of frustration
Is that valid?
To hell I care!

Excuses
Do I take it?
I don't know!

Irritated
Is there a cost to it?
Yes, especially when you felt used!

So piss off!
JOKERS!

Work

I am depressed
With what I heard
Though I foresee the chances
Though it may not be that bad
It saddened me nevertheless

I have nothing against anything
Just that I'd rather not be among those
Who drive themselves crazy

I have no wish to have work take over my life
I have no plans to make work my life
I have no desire to forgo my life for work
I have no intentions for all that!

I see depression settling in
I feel immense pressure
Can I say no without any repercussion?

For every bad day...

For every bad day,
There will be a good day for you!

This is what my kid friend, Vish (you agreed to that nick Vish) said once when I was complaining about a series of bad day. And true enough, after a downfall of bad days, a good day came. Everything went the way I wanted them to be. Everything went smoothly, without me complaining about a single thing.

Anyway, the last few days have been hell for me....things have not been going my way. Been having bad dreams, been sick, was getting angry in school....all in a series...and kinda tired...so now I am thinking...when is the one good day coming....please good day come soon....coz I am rather torn rite now...maybe first of all...I need to visit the doctor...probably I have been feeling terrible these days partly because I have not been feeling well....been down with a flu....blame this on Julian....off coz...haha.And since saturday, been feeling sick on and off. And me...off coz...refusing to visit Mr Doctor...gonna visit Mr Doc soon when I am not better....darn...there my money will fly away.

WHY??

Misery,
Came crumbling back
With no signal
You entered my life
Made me ramble
Incapable

Misery,
With an increasing anger
Without any end
With the troubles
THE SHACKLES

And this time,
Misery...
Came with a sharp pain
Will finally succumb to it?

Should I stay or run away?
Escaping is pointless
Surrendering is the only solution
With all the troubles!

No, stay strong!
Fight till the end.
Stay in focus!
Coz end is near.

Will see them proud
Will be standing tall
Amongst the crowd
Be a stronger better person.

One lost, A new friend found

Have you ever realised that people come and go in our life? We build friendship today, and we may lose that friendship or probably the circumstances change the friendship...it may be shortlived or there is a change of mode within a short span of a few months. This month alone, 2 nice friends left the country for good, seeking for new life adventures. One will eventually come back...the other, I dunno.

So the point is, do we treasure the friendship we have with people around us, or do we take them for granted? For the friend I may not meet anymore, we exchange emails and other modes of communication, for the other, yeah,...the phone...but with friends far away, will the friendship be as strong, dunno.

This made me thinking about the friendships I build with people around me. Those who are still here, those whom I am still very much in contact, I am going to make sure I make a point to contact them at least once a while, and even if we may not have time offline, we can always chat online and check how each of us are doing. So whatever friendship I have built, to whoever is concern, I SHALL TREASURE YOU!

School holidays

Well...you may have thought,,,chool hols....free days...enjoyment...on the contrary...it was tiring, and I am dead beat. Yes, I dont have to teach, no school...no need to wake up at 530 am. But I had so much more work. Gosh, never knew a maid's life is super miserable. I had to handle everything at home since my maid is away for a short break home. Gosh, its definitely not easy, to stay home and do housework and all those stuff related to the home. It is tiring. Now I wld definitely appreciate my maid better. She is definitely efficient. And who says cooking is easy, so tiring to clean up after coooking, any takers to help me clean up?You may get free meals, the food i cook, if u dare to eat them off coz...haha

Signs

In the midst of the day
Wishing
For moments when I am venturing the dreams

But the dream is drained as the day passes
Sounds of laughter is no longer an excitement
Mission in life is lost
Meanings of life has become invalid

The blue ocean
Which was once a beauty
Has fade away
With the grey sky

A sign
For the twist of life

But amidst the gloom
A smile emerge
Its a telltale of the future?
In the middle of the dead sea

Discovering a life
Fighting to keep afloat
A reflection
From the dark moon
Is that a fight for life?

Road to Salvation

Spent hours thinking
About yesterday, today and tomorrow
What have I done to myself?
What are the morals I put forth?

Would my future be bleak?
Will the sparks of sunlight finally be seen?
Will will darkness dense my life further?

Is this the reflection of myself?
Soaring, thundering
With no future ahead
Is that bad?
Why?

So what if its over?
It doesnt mark the end of life
Only begins a new chapter
With a clean page

Am I mad?

No I am not enraged
No I am not angry
No I am not crazy
No I am not mad

Why should I be upset?
Why should I be irritated?
Why should I be displeased?
Why should I be annoyed?

I am just stupid
I am just dumb
I am just ignorant
I am just dullard

I am so because I seek for trouble myself
I am so because I never learn my lesson
I am so because I keep asking to be hurt
I am so because all these are avoidable.

Winter's tale

The winter
Trembling in cold
No where to hide
No shelter to seek

Helpless
Deserted
Once happy...
Now bitten.

Moments

Going down again,
Falling.
Not handling it.
Smiles though the sufferings...

Stll laughing in between cries
The avalanche that never ends
Manageable? Continue? Finish it?

Even with countless pain
So which path?
At lost...
No solution
Seeing a sad ending

Life

Thought I am strong
But I am weak
Presumed life is progressing
But it is worsening

If it is suppose to be better
Why is it going down?
If it is happiness
Why is the tears?

Since when is life ever good?
Since when life is ever pleasant?
One could lie,
But for how long?

If only life can stay as it was
If only life doesnt move
Probably life could be better
Probably there will be more smiles

Now a smile is even hard
For there isnt any reason to
No more...
Since life is a monotone

Changing it is a fluke
Removing it is a forbidden
Which road then one heads?
Since its the crossroad is skewed

Inspired by Le Grande Voyage

As the journey is far and wide
I need you as my guide

You sure your mind is right?
You do know its hell of a ride?

I know its not easy,
But God is with me

Sometimes I think you are crazy
But I just have to let you be

Your task is easy
Just to drive me

Im not being a woozy
But the thought makes me hazy

Just let her stay
I dont see her stray

I'd rather keep her at bay
Then let her lead the way

Dont listen to him
He doesnt seem honest

You and your wimp
He could be a bonus

Why do you ahev to give
When we dont have our dough

Im sure we will live
After giving her the doe

We are here finally
Your wish did come true

I doubt I will see the end
But I shall not runt

Get your bus
Shall await for your return,
That I must

Why dont you reply
You are not even coming back
I scream and shout,
BE BACK!
Cut the act!

Oh no!
My worst fear is here!

I learnt a thing or two
Throughout this journey with you
I see the jab
Of the generation gap

I used not to care
Now you made me aware
IF ONLY YOU ARE STILL HERE
I would have care for you my dear
FATHER!

You

With you...
I see darkness, tears, pain
With you...
I see a broken dream

Yet, with you...
I feel ecstatic, gladness comfort
Yet, with you
I feel endless happiness

But why do I feel hurt while rejoicing
But why complications in the joy

It is endless misery in a bliss
A pain in pleasure

Wounded

Why the hell did I lose again?
Darn, I knew I will fail!
I know I have the lethal key
Would I use it?
No, I wont

Would I want to ruin and hurt
The already wounded?
No!
By hurting the fallen
I hurt myself
But do I care about myself?
NO!

What I want is not to injure the wounded heart
Especially one that I care
Never today, tomorrow, ever
By hurting you, I hurt myself the greatest!

Reflective Mode

Are you a fool?
Who the hell you think you are?
I know I'm no superwoman
I can deal it myself

You think you are doing well?
Your reasonings are ridiculous
I will if everyone stop asking
I will deal it myself!

How the hell are you solving it?
You don't even have a clue
I am already in the midst of it
I know I can do it!

Is self-destruction your resolution?
That is never a solution!
That is never the part of the plan
And I know I need to settle it myself!

A dot

A dot
First a drop
The spot expands
Grow into an atom

A dot
A droplet
And tt spreads
Like a mite

A dot
A piece
Stump on its own
With a great pinch

A dot
A dent to the being
Marks the conclusion
Creates a finality

A dot
The stroke
Keeps to a standstill
Marks the end

Reflection

The ill-fated life
Image that dampens
Longing for a smile
Towards endless happiness

A dejection
Remorse appearing
Running through the souless
Falling into agony
Through immense anger
Losing perspectives

Amidst the cold stares
Images of despondency
Glaring life harshness
Scowling of loneliness
Woeful and wounded

The Trip to Singapore Post

I didnt know such a simple trip to evoke so much emotion. Hillarious, fuming mad, in awe, well...all the emotions combined I suppose. When I first saw the line at 930 am, I was devastated...blimey...such a long queue...its gonna be an extremely long wait..Im sure I will be late for my tuition...but what to do...I have to pay my mum's bill...so no choice...I waited and waited...gosh...it was extremely slow now its already 15 minutes to 10 am and I m still far behind the queue...thinking...about the time I could start teaching...or the extra sleep I could have gotten had it not been for this..then suddenly, an old auntie in green came right in front of the queue...she created a comotion when she jumped the queue...the people behind her made a lot of noise...so old auntie had no choice but to walk away...then out of the blue...she came lining up behind an old uncle...the old man just kept quiet...I was behind the old man...had it been me sometime ago...I would have argued or told her off...but now...me in my can't be bothered mode...just kept quiet.

Then I heard a baby crying...boy...the kid was a nuisance...he was crying so loudly, it pissed me off...but again...I just kept quiet and endured the nonsense. What I saw then was this frantically looking guy...I suppose the dad of the kid trying to pacify him..wow...he was so calm yet so stressed...eventually the kid kept quiet after the dad gave him the pacifier...thank god...finally..peace...BUT...nooo....this old man came and suppose to get a parcel I suppose...but he couldnt get it...and was arguing with the staff at SingPost...though it was impressive the way the staff handle him...I was annoyed by his stubborness...eventually a guy explained to him in dialect...and the noisy uncle went off...without his parcel..and that was about the time when it was my turn to pay the bill at 1010 am abt half an hour of waiting...its tiring...but I dont have a choice do I...bills bills bills...but actually, this waiting made me learn some important aspects such as patience, tolerance and many other craps...those that Ive lost along the way...and now I am aware I have them still. So not that bad!

But...

Stumbling but not falling
Creeping but not crawling
In pain but yet calm
In sadness but shall not cry

On a strike but not strapped
On a voltage but not high
A killer but yet no murderer
A fleece but never a pest

An antidote but definitely not a painkiller
An inspirer but not yet a thinker
With misery but still awake
Troubled but still alive

A will which is never written
A nil but not yet dead

Whats in a name

Yeah...I checked out the meaning behind my name in this astrology site...from Jodie's site...she was the one who found the site.......anyway its I dont think it fits me though its kinda fun if im like that...that much power and enrgy in life.

Zarinah:
You have much compassion and psychic ability. You may have extremes of luck. Bad luck can be the result of laziness or lack of faith. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You have a need to be up front. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts.
:

Ali:
You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection

Needs

I need to be in control
I need to have a stand
I need to win
I need to be strong

I need the purpose
I need the power
I need the energy
I need the quality

I need the stamina
I need the skill
I need the resistance
I need the will

I need it all
Just to remain awake
In a world that is...
DEAD!

Day

Don't ask me why I am writing this
For it will be a long list
I'd rather give it a miss
Amidst all the mist

Three days out of the cold
Waking up from the sweat
Tired but trying to hold
Keeping to the old bet

Tried to be bold
End up in a ret
Planning not to fold
Coldness of the black hat

The dark seem to come
With no single sign
Light, hope there is some
So the day will be fine

Sanity

Why and how it happened
How would I know
Why and how it kept the rage
Only God knows

When words is swung like that
The anger just got worse
Why it raise to such annoyance
Is really beyond the control

Only comfort now is one self
Though one is done with the pain
Still must manage it
Just to keep sane

Mind

Keep busy
The only way
To keep the brain wheezy
So not to end this inconsequential life

I know for sure I hate the life
The one You have given me
I just cant live it with a jive
So I let it be

Ive promised not to do those You forbid me to
But my brain kept calling out "To die"
And just end it once and for all
So please keep me near You

Im saved by an angel once
He said "Treasure the life and dont do such runs"
But if only I could dance and keep me in a trance
Then my head wont keep telling me Im done

But Ive agreed to keep to the promise
Though the path is a bend
And its hard to keep everything amiss
I am sure the ordeal will pass

Strong, I will keep my will
And for once I will do it out of my own freewill
To keep it right for once

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall;
Who is the fairest of them all?
Oh my dear I have to give this call,
You are one who is not in the hall.

Mirror mirror on the wall;
Who is the dearest of them all?
Oh my dear I do not dare,
To tell you that you are definitely not there.

Mirror mirror on the wall;
Who is the meanest of them all?
This my darling I shall be fair,
You are right there like a glare.

Fate

I am sick of my fate
As I am not laughing
I am sick of my fate
As it is always upsetting

I am sick of my fate
As I am not gaining
I am sick of my fate
As I am always losing

I am sick of my fate
As I am not promising
I am sick of my fate
As I am always weeping

I am sick of my fate
As I am always compromising
I am sick of my fate
As I am not daring

I am sick of my fate
As I am always suffering
I am sick of my fate
As I am not enjoying

I am sick of my fate
As I am always crawling
I am sick of my fate
As I am not running

Fatness

Haven't been fpcussing myself much these days...and today..someone saied something to make me realise something....I am getting tooo bloody fat for my own good...i met a friend on my way back...and first thing my friend said...now you are look fleshy than the last time I met you....well...feshy...that means fat...yes I admit...I was rather thin mayb 6 months ago..but after that was being said...I had to go home and see how fat I have grown...and darn...yeah indeed...I have become a lot fatter....I need its high time I start focussing on the food I eat...though Ive never paid much attention to that...now could be a good time to start

My Plan
1) Bring own food...they are less oily as the food outside..and prolly I can save lot more like that
2)More gym session...definitely
3)Some jogging on top of the gym sessions
3) More sit ups...I have a lot of fats on my stomach area
4) More focussed on healthy living
5) Less outing so I can spend more time with my work and my training to keep fit
6) Good rest so I can actually a good time when I exercise

Well...the list could just go on....prolly eat lesser...mayb start having boiled food (but thats gross)...so I shall just concentrate on the 6 first...and get my body in shape...and to you y friend...though I know you don't read this...thanks for the waking up call...if not I would never realise I'm growing fatter by the day.

Some Pics

Pics from my Sarawak Trip

Regrets

I wrote this on my friend's blog. I thought it is good to have in on mine as well.

Feeling of regret is rather late
For consciousness keep you awake
Owning up maybe be in vain
Unless you just faint

The answer was not good enough
Tried and tested, I’ve had the puff
Especially when the pain is unavoidable
And make your life a wobble

A mask is never an answer
Coz the front didn’t matter
It makes you deplorable
To try make life bearable

Pain can never be a joy
Especially one that involves the heart
Unless it’s a coy
It will hit you like a dart

Misery

Misery misery... at this juncture…u are drawing closer. I am reversed to my wretched mode once more ...for some reason ...I sense that my existence is paltry ...I dunno why...I'm always going through this chapter in life....feeling miserable and getting out of it...then eventually plunging into it yet again...only deeper...hmmm...is this a sign of depression...I'm not sure...but i sure hope not...i dont wanna be one of those who are dependent on medicine due to the problems on the head...no...there's nothing wrong with me...prolly im not satisfied about my life coz I dont see meaning in it...or prolly school gives me too much stress...so I feel miserable...well..or prolly...I just hate myself...thats why Im never satisfied with myself...whatever it is..God...please make me stronger...coz I need to keep misery away...and keep happiness near...for I see sorrow coming...I dont want to be a part of misery...I want to be the jolly me...the one my friends see me...the critic who made life more colourful...but I always knew I can act...but for how long..I really dunno...will it end today...tomorrow...or the day after...God...I dont wish to see the day...when my misery be overblown and i cant hide it anymore...so I shall end it today...goodbye misery...goodbye all.
Dead Today, Born Yesterday...

Though...

Though I knew I am the one you row to
When troubles spell on you
Though I knew I am the one who help you swim through
When sadness befall on you
Though I knew I am the you seek comfort to
When the ground drops on you

Though I knew I should be there
I can't be there no more
Though I knew I should care
I can't as my mind is at war
Though I know it is not fair
I can't as I've lost the oar
To keep the shelter bare
For you to walk through by the door

Admonition

When life is detaching
One starts thinking
What kind of life is one leading
Is this where one is heading

Would it be to one's ability
To keep up with humility
Against life's cruelty
Is one able to face with credibility

Though one starts the day with anticipation
With all the apprehension
It ends with depression
With life's sick admonition

My Friends

My first moron sista
You have helped me through my sadness
With all your jokes that make me feel of gladness

My second moron sista
I know you have been through a lot in life
Despite that you have made my life a jive

My moronic friend
Better known as our Miss Universe
You definitely made live more adventurous

My 'elite' friend
Who claimed to be Miss Witty
Can sometimes make life crazy

My pregnant friend
She has just given birth
I hope she has a mirth

These are friends whom I met in NIE who make life is school soo much easier...they are my buddies...I suppose you know who you are...mayb our friendship goes a longggggggggg way..even after NIE is over. Take care babes

Path through misery

Tried to deny what's on my head
Tried to be the great
But it makes me miserable

Tried to distance myself
Tried to blind myself
But it makes me miserable

The hollow gateway is loomey
With myself gloomy
And it makes me miserable

I will have to stay happy
With everyone around me
Only God know knows the misery

I need answers to my pleas
I need a guide through my prayer
Coz I am in deep adversity
So I must create a better stronger me
The only path out of my misery

Haiku

Raindrops
Like a teardrop from the sky,
I couldn't control this emotion.

My first proper try of Haiku poetry...though I don't know if I am doing it correctly..It links to nature...rain...and links to life...hmmm...yeah...my piece...a nonsensical piece of Haiku from me

Whispers of life from the dead

I have been dejected
I have felt remorse
I have had worst encounters
By the enemy called life

I don't know how
I don't know why
I am betrayed
By the enemy called life

It is trashing my heart
It is killing my soul
It is piercing my mind
This enemy called life

I am thankful
I am grateful
That I could end it today
This enemy called life

Haiku

We learnt Haiku poetry today...its 3 lines and the first line tells the title...hmmm...like a bit the short ya...well but I did one coz a fren did one for me....hehe...so I had to do one as well during lecture though its rather inapporpriate as Haiku is normally linked to nature...but then again...my title...links to humaninity...here it goes:

Ageless
I know a weirdo
Who dates a kiddo

For my special friend....
You know who you are babe...love ya tons!!

Travelogue

I'm just back from my short holiday in Malaysia. To be precise, I went to Sarawak and KL. On the first day, when I touched down at the airport in Kuching, I was welcomed by the guide, Ahmed. He was such a helpful man. He helped to show us around the Sarawak, both the city area and the longhouse. At the longhouse, we stayed at the 'Ambin'. It is a back to basic for everyone. There, I met some Italians. They are extremely snobbish and made us wait. Because of them, we had problems with our plans. These idiots slept through till 11 am. Their guide, the stupid guide, refused to wake them up. We were so angry and fed up because we had to wait. But the place, the people and everything else were good and it was an extremely nice learning experience.

We also enjoyed ourselves at the city. We took tons of pictures and had a great time walking around and enjoying the beautiful sights.

Then we went to KL. We stayed at the guesthouse. It was an extremely small room. We called it our store. There I met Salem. He was our 'gueard'. Haha...well...he helped us alot...I was grateful. If not for you Salem, we would be stuck at Modestos or Uno..both of which are boring clubs. He brought us to Cuba. Nice club. Then the next day, he helped to carry our bags...our extremely heavy bags. You were a great help Salem...and I'm thankful for it for sure.

Our trip was extremely good till we reached Johore. There we were welcomed by rude attendants and to make it worst, I lost $50, which was suppose to be the money to go back. So we had to take the bus. I felt like vomitting throughout my whole journey. Then Yana, my travelmate, who was also falling sick, asked her boyfriend to pick us up at Kranji. When we reached the Malaysian custom, after clearing our pass, we waited for the stupid bus....3 170 buses came, but the stupid bus was nowhere to be seen...then eventually we took 950 to woodlands, where my travelmate's bf waited for us. I am so grateful that at last I am back home. Though what happened in Johor made me angry and fed up, the whole trip was a beaufitul one, especially my stay in Sarawak. For that, I am grateful to the Sarawakians for welcoming us and made our stay an extremely beautiful one. A few names to mention in Sarawak who helped us..Ahmed (our guide), Freddy(the owner of B&B) and everyone at Lemanak Longhouse. In KL, I would like to give my greatest thanks to Salem (who helped us a lot) and the uncle driver who sent us to the airport who was honest and nice and helpful.

Thats it for my trip. Now looking forward to the challenges that 2006 will be offering me. I sure hope I will have a better year than the previous year and likewise, everyone who reads this. I hope this year will be good and beautiful for you.