Princess of Darkness

Perplex as the mind is
Rattling on the past and present
Interwoven in between
Nestled by the darkness
Complicating the mind and soul
Entangled between reality and fiction
Staggering for the truth to emerge
Sensing a misfortune in life

Optimism is beyond grappling
Fantasy is the infelicity

Dumbing the forsaken mind
Angling towards disaster
Ravishing the moments as it comes
Kinder deprivation is seek
Nothing seems an exhilirating
Endless pain at extrimity
Sunking for sure
Stumbling at terminal

Confusion

You always disorientate me
Abashing me into deeper misunderstanding
Unsettling this mind
Into an uneven madness

You keep me in daze
Muddling into my inner sense
Rioting between the good and evil
Shambling me into the ghetto

Destiny

I get it now
I understand now
I am insignificant to you

Didn't realise
Never knew
I am gullible to you

Will end it all
Will stop it now
This game we've had

Never to worry
Never to bother
Have deleted everything

Let's just forget
Let's just head our way
To our life's destination

This smile

This smile
May just be a façade
It may not reflect the truth

We are playing our roles here
Keeping the smile to make others happy
If we can’t be happy,
Why not let others be happy

Lost Right Now

Tried as I might
Can't get the life back
Fight as I might
Can't block the memory track

Lie as I would
Can't hide from you
Bluff as I would
Can't wish to be true

I will try to block it out
I will attempt to get it out

I will survive the bout
I will clean the doubt

Humanity

Do not hope for gold
As you may just sell your soul
Do not wish for plenty
As it could lead to misery

Ensure we don't let it control our live
Make us no better than a ruthless mammal
A soulless creature with no warmth

Anorexic

What is anorexia?
In basic form, it is eating disorder, which most of my friends are having. I may have had the same problem once upon a time, but why does one become anorexic. Before I tackle that question, let me go through the tale-signs of an anorexic person (ju, please look thorugh this...impt for u!).
1. Refusal to maintain normal body weight
2. Denial that the person is skinny
3.Scared of becoming fat when they are actually thin
4. Kept saying they are fat when they are not
5. Feeling depressed, withdrawn or compulsive behaviours
6. Having unnecessary fears about gaining weight

Well, maybe there are a lot more tell-tale signs that I am not aware of. But surely, having gone through all these I may think that I may have had that problem once though lucky for me, I was able to get out of it before it became detrimental to my life. My reasons for that is stress. During a certain period, I undergone a huge stress which I was unable to handle. And the best way, or the only way I know then, something that I can handle and tackle easily, my weight. I became skinny and kinda sickly, Did my stress go away? Definitely not, I still have to overcome the stress and face it. But I am lucky and not everyone is as lucky. So what is the reasons for people to face this problem?

According to this site I read, this disease usually appear in bright, attractive young women between the ages of twelve and twenty-five, although there are both older and younger exceptions. (. On the same site, you can read the people who are at risk of having it. But I will highlight generally those who are high-risk of anorexia

1. Female adolescents are generally at risk of anorexia nervosa. In addition, the following are particularly at risk:
ballet dancers;
athletes;
perfectionists;
over-achievers;
those who have been generally over-weight.

So the best cure to this is by preventing it. We shoudl have a positive attitude in life and not develop unrealistic goals and aims for ourselves. And most improtantly, live life to the fullest and happily to our fullest potential, never push ourselves insane as it may cause problems which we never invite.

Why

Why ask
When you don't care
Why bother
When you don't give a damn

Why pretend
When you don't bother
Why act
When you don't even explain

Shut off!
Sure...
You are good

Shut off!
Sure...
It could be solve

Whatever it is
Won't bother
Whatever it is
Won't care

Will just let it go
Will just set it free
This ache, this mind

A slap of the truth

Though I told myself not to wait
I did
Though I tried to be strong
I'm weak

Though I said no
I did
Though I kept holding on
I freak

See what happened then
A truth
Slap on the face
A truth
I seek to see
A truth I don't wish of me

I am unhappy with it
But I shall accept it
I am unhappy with it
But I shall endure it
I am unhappy with it
But I shall face it!

Need to be me

I don't want to let you go
But I have no choice

I don't want you to leave
But I know you will

I don't want to hope
But my heart is doing so

I don't want you to disappear
But I know you are

I don't know what I want anymore
As what I want is not what I will get

So to hell with me
To hell with life

I just need to move on
I just need to be strong
I just need to be the me
I know best!

A Slip of Happiness

A few people have written to me about the way I wrote my poems. I am extremely thankful for all the comments. Most mentioned abt how depressing my poems are and it does not seem to reflect the way I look. My only take for that is, "Never judge a book by its cover". Well, I am not saying I am a depress freak, neither am I saying I am living in heaven, off coz, in life there are ups and downs...some of those I have written co-relate to my life, others are observations or objects of my imagination.

Anyway, I tried to give a shot at writing a happy poem, A slip of happiness, but after writing it, I realise, its not all happy, probably thats how I see life, never truely happy, or maybe I dont appreciate life enough...whatever it may be, I suppose just read it and enjoy it!


I want to offer you my life
I want to offer you my soul
I want to offer you my being
For my passion for you is real

But all I can offer is a ray of light
A sip of hope,
A wish upon the star
A cup of happiness

For all I can offer you is
MY HEART

Well, in this poem we may see it in different aspect. I suppose when one reads it, one may think I am writing of my love for a guy, which is not true. It is written for my passion and love which is slowly depleting, especially after today.

Finally: An Official Letter

I finally receive an official letter for my posting...it took MOE this long to send me my posting, unshockingly, I got back the practicum school. Well, without my buddy this time round. They broke our force. Now left the two of the crazy three there in the school. Will I be as crazy with one of my buddies sent to another school? I really dunno. But am I stress about going back? Kinda! Its a new challenge and I sure hope I will be okay there...wont ruin the kids life...not intentionally at least...must write that clause....hehe...Anyway....I am ready to face the new challenge....excited about the new challenge? Nope not really...thats a fact of life...who loves work...not me definitely!

Blotter On!!!

Well, you know...that is definitely the favourite activity of my group...my NIE group off coz...if one person blot the face...everyone will do it...like yesterday...we were at Civil Defence Academy...it was to me a cool place...they showed us advance technology, and the Red Rhino...looks pretty cool...I even got an opportunity to hold the hose, yesh....when I on the pipe...I did jerk behind a little...I even asked the fireman...if I would fly away...he said.."No worries.., you wont coz I'm behind u"....and yeah, it was fun...

But again, the highlight was at the canteen, when every single one of us in the group, namely, Angiebie, Suzanne, Jujubie, Masiebie, Elise and myself blotted our faces. We even compared the amount of oil we have on our faces...hehe...isnt that cool...hahahaha....

But I must say, the last few weeks or so, we have all come closer to one another, having a lot of time spent together and getting to know each others strengths and weaknesses...thats really really cool...I sure hope...this frienship will go on...more blotter days together, spending time doing crazy things together, becoming food critics and confusing waiters with our ordering style and all....may there be more of that together..coz its definitely FUN and ENJOYABLE!

Sing! My angel of music...

Not exactly angelic voices. But well, my friends and I went Ka-ra-o-ke-ing together (finally after soooooooooo long of trying to convince everyone to do). I don't know if everyone enjoys it but we had a whole lot of fun nevertheless. Let me go through each of them and the speciality.

Starting with...

Mas, she sang Unbreak my heart with full expression....and you should have seen the action...it was swaying Elise...hahahaha....the dude was looking super stressed when Mas approached him and singing...hahahaha...but at least...that got him singing eventually...and mas....shy too intially...but after a while....she went on pretty well...singing her way...now back to elise

Elise, boy...the guy is super shy...or pretending to be shy...hehe...it was sooo hard to get him to sing. But when the song Creep by radiohead was on, he sang it in full force, and its so suitable for a man...the song went like...I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell I'm doing here...I don't belong here....it must have been what he felt at that moment..next Suzanne

Suzanne, I tell you is the Queen of karaoke...definitely, she knows every single song I selected and some of which she selected, no one even knows....she knows a lot of song....she even said...and I quote...the lyric just come to your head...how so....I don't know...hehe, then there's Ju

Ju, we had a whole selection of Backstreet boys songs...and gee...the gal...knows a lot of those guys songs...she was singing to most of their songs...though she refused to use the microphone most of the time....so difficult to get her to use the mike to sing....and then theres me...

I felt like a deejay...was asking them to choose songs to sing...no one seems to be doing it..so what I did, I went to chose practically most of the songs, most of which are karaoke songs...hehe...then finally..I wnted to sing this rock version of an indonesian song ended up with the dangdut version which was irritating..but I sang it still...though most of the time...out of tune...coz I have only heard the rok version of the song...hehe

So whats our finale song...this classic malay rock song...hehehe...we...us...sang that song together...its Suci dalam Debu...means Purity in Ashes..haha...and again this time round, elise refused to sing the 'kental' song. It was one of the moments we all let loose and get comfy with each others nonsense and croaking...overall...I enjoyed it soo much, especially the post singing dinner....it was one of the many best moments of spent with my NIE buddies...you people are the greatest...too bad Angie wasnt around to join the croaking session...it would have been a complete force.

All the injuries I suffered

These are all the injuries I suffered from my cycling trip


The side of my right palm


My right knee


My right elbow


My left palm


Left near the elbow


Yeah, all those are injuries I suffered during one cycling trip. Was it painful,,,definitely! Would I stop cycling? Would that deter my spirit from trying, I doubt so. But to heal, I will keep away for a while. I am sure my friend does not think likewise, that would be the last cycling trip my friend would ever joined me...that bit I am sure...hahaha!

What a Pain!

Nah, its not about a person. It's about my fall. And yeah, I had a fall, from the bicycle to be exact. Everything went smoothly. Was fine throughout the journey, in fact I just was thinking to myself...I may consider the trip my friends are suggesting...cycling to desaru...its sure sounds fun...and yeah...I am cycling well...I might be slow..because of my muscle ache...but yeah...I managed to cycle pretty ok...till I had the big fall...I hit on this guy, who was luckily not injured. My friend and the dude went to the nearest shelter to clean the wound. My helpful friend cleaned the wound for me then as I was too freaking shock and was in pain to react. In fact, I was also feeling giddy. Suddenly, another 2 policemen came to help. One of them and the dude kept asking me if I am ok, which pissed me off but as I was in pain, I just kept quiet. They gave my friend the tape and plasters.

After that, everything went slow. Because of me, we were unable to cycle anymore. Feeling bad, I told my friend to just continue cycle and I'l walk on my own, but my dear friend is sweet...didnt do it. walked with me....though I am sure I must have spoilt the fun of cycling with my fall...:(....but I couldnt bend my knee without feeling the pain...so I tried to cycle but i couldnt.

We even took breaks along the way as I got tired. Luckily, though after the fall...I felt blurred, I didnt faint...my endurance to pain is low...as usual, but I was accustomed to the pain after a while, and finally about 1 km away from our destination, we cycled super slowly back to the jetty. And then off we go! That was it for the trip.

Would I stop all these cycling...no I wont, but next time I will be more carefu, especially on slopes. And yeah, I am still considering the cycling trip with my friends. Do it while you can...I suppose thats myy principle.

Sabah: Painful Trip

A lot of problems happened before my trip to Sabah. We were cheated of our money by our travel agent, Ahmad. Was extremely angry...I so wanted to ruin his name...but thinking bad....I am not that evil. So I decided to let the matter rest.

Then on the day of the journey, I had mixed feelings, the climb was rather scary. My dear bro accompanied me down and we had to wait rather long for the cab to finally come.

When we were at Senai Airport, we found out our flight was delayed for 1 and half hour. So we all waited patiently, and me being me, went around disturbing my friends.

When we finally reached Sabah, our agent picked us up at the airport and we made our way to hill lodge, where we stayed for a nite before our climb to Laban Rata. We started from Timpohon Gate and we had several pit stop to have a breather before continuing our journey. We reached Laban Rata after a good 6 hour plus climb. We took longer then the expected time. But yeah, it was a wonderful climb, tiring as it was, it taught me endurance and perseverance. Most importantly, it taught me patience and aim for the destination.

At 230am, we were all suppose to make our way to Mt Kinabalu. Me, being me again, chickened out. My body was in pain. My leg hurts and I had a headache. I was also too afraid, especially hearing what the guide said. Hold on to the rope tightly, if you dont want to fall to your death. Your nose will bleed due to the high altitude. All that made me fear the climb even more, so I finally made the decision not to continue and wait at Laban Rata for my friends.

While waiting at Laban Rata, I had a few weird experiences. Firstly, someone knocked on my door at about 430am. I didnt opened the door as it was scary. I just ignored the person. Then at about 15 minutes later, while lying on my side on the bed, I could feel someone breathing at my neck. That was super scary. I never felt the way I felt. It could be my imagination prolly because I was alone, so my imagination ran wild. Whatever it was, I definitely didnt see any presence, just felt it, thank goodness!

Finally, after that, at 12 noon, we all made it down and took abt 5 hours plus to go down. And off coz, we missed our flight to KL and had to rebook 7 tics to KL on the same nite. That was costly! But we had no choice.

In KL, I was pleasantly suprised when I found out my friends actually stayed on the same floor next to my room. That was really a coincidence, like what Ju said, maybe we are all fated to be together...hehe....but unfortunately we could not spend soo much time together there.

Then at nite, we went zouk. I dunno whats the big deal about the place. I ddint enjoy it much. But I just force myself to have fun...since I was already there so might as well. Then the next day, the supposed shopping trip, though I spent most of the time sitting coz my whole body was aching and I couldnt really be bothered to shop. Was more keen about sitting down and relaxing.

But despite everything, I did have the best time there had so much fun and it was definitely an experience for me...you never know...my next climb, prolly Wall of CHina..hehe


My buddies who went for the climb


Me at hill lodge feeling cold


At Timpohon Gate at Mt Kinabalu


My NIE buddies whom I met in KL

Sad no more

A new beginning to life
A new chapter to begin
A new place to start
A new journey to explore

Is life that easy
Is life that hard
is life that simple
Is life that complicated

Whatever life has arrange
Persevere
Withstand the pain
Enjoy the bliss
Life will be better
Life will be more meaningful
Then you will sad no more

What a Journey!

You must be thinking I am gone and back...well no...the thing is...this trip...to Sabah has become the most challenging trip of my life...and its only to Malaysia! Gosh,...my friends and I lost money because we were cheated by a guy from Sabah name Ahmad...the idiotic man who used our money, probably for gambling and did not book our Kinabalu longding. He caused a lot of problems for us...and Ive made several...countless calls to the idiot just for the money...bloody toot...anyway...after all that thank God...with Yana's effort...we finally got another package...hopefully it wont be a problem this time round...and finally...I am gonna climb Kinabalu...when I am back...I shall post some beautiful sight I capture there...hopefully I am able to climb up...coz I am kinda troubled about the fact that I am going there actually...a bit worried...and after the trip...I shall go KL...meet my NIE mates...yeah...peeps...see ya there...till then...dont miss me so much...and people in Singapore too...miss me lots ya...hehe!

School's out

A few days back, I did my lasttttttttttttt paper...I sure felt relieved but there was also another feeling..fear of the future. From now onwards, life will be dedicated to work. And I have to move a step in life..Well, ready or not..here i come. I dunno if I am gonna be good at it...Ive been blessed for the last 2 months(though it can be rocky) and the last pract...but that doesnt mean...the journey ahead will be easy...I am sure there will be rocky moments and I need to persevere and I sure hope I am strong enough to do all that. For all my buddies in the same boat...cheerios for us...and to our new beginning