Pain

I feel like hailing
I feel like yelling
I can’t take it no more
I have to learn to let go

But why, why am I such a woozy?
But why, why can’t it be easy?

I am tired of pretending
I am sick of seeking the truth

I have lost the track
From all the lies
I have lost the faith
From all the pain

Another Arrow from the PowerCamp

Gosh, yet another arrow...and this time round for the internal audit...how am I suppose to answer the questions....how...how...how...gee....why am I so unlucky....always arroewed to do such things....why am I punished for the lost of those two laptops when I will eventually have to pay for it...why why why....well...I know there will never be answers to all my questions...and no is never an option...the options are always yes or yes to any questions asked....so pointless...just face it and do...the choice isnt mine to make...I have learnt to go with the flow and do whatever is needed of me without any questions...the more you ask...the more work is given to you...so shut up and just do the work assigned to you...sad...but thats life work is for many I suppose...not just for me.

A tiring Raya indeed

What a month it has been...full of challenges...full of arguments...full of anger...full of questions...be it at work, home or anywhere else. Work has been a real challenge...with lotsa things...home...well...home has been alrite actually..except for the fact my gran has been in and out of hospital and boy...has it been physically and mentally tiring for everyone at home. My gran has not been easy though she is sick...looking after her and her demands can also be super tiring. It has been a week after raya and today, again, she is back in hospital. And today my sis sent her to SGH, as per her request...though it is extremely far from our place and she expects us to go over practically everyday....hmmm...and work...with all the demands...dunno how is that possible...I dont even have time for friends these days...not even in raya mood

Your Choice: A Yes or a Yes

WHat kind of an option is that? THe question asked was "Are you you free to go for the workshop?" The answer to it was "No" but off course that was not taken into consideration as I was force to go whether I like it or not. I ended up going for the course. Though I didnt know what I learnt from the course, I did stay till the end of the whole thing and left feeling blur, didnt enjoy myself...another course on Mon, well...my Science course now....kinda looking forward to it...but yet nervous coz I am terrible in Science.

Ignoring the giant

Today I met the giant in school...I can't help it but to ignore her. I know it is cruel of me to do that, but I can't help it. I would rather someone comes staright to my face and tell me I am a terrible teacher. But what giant did was really ruthless, telling others...she may not like me personally, maybe I stepped her toes or simply because she dislikes my face, but that is no excuse to throw such remarks at me. Now I see her differently, now I see her as someone with big...no huge asrse on the mouth...yep...sorry giant....thats how I see you...I wish you could see this...I felt guilty for ignoring her after that, then I talked to her....which is stupid...coz I think she knew I was ignoring her in the beginning as I made it so apparent...to bad...I can't be as ruthless...I wish I could though

A tiring day indeed

I visited Nani again today...by the way...Nani is what I called my grandmother...dunno why...these few days...my heart has been beating very fast...I am very worried about her...the same person I had several arguments with....seeing her like that made me sad....to think she is a super strong woman ...now she becomes so weak....she had very low blood count today...luckily, the doctors found out...she was suppose to be discharged today...she could have suffered a heart attack due to the anaemia...

Then, as promise, I went out with my group of friends...but seriously...my heart was not in the outing...more of home and hospital..suddenly now...I am more concerned about people at home as well as my grand in the hospital...then when my friends wanted to watch a movie after our dinner together...I excuse myself...told them I need to go home...I just feel that it is inappropriate to be enjoying myself when there are so many problems back home...so I went home instead.

I am a terrible teacher!

Well...that was the remarks given to me by one of the teachers. She think I am a terrible teacher who didnt teach her class anything. I am inefficient and I did a terrible job during my first practicum...do I agree to that accusation...DEFINITELY NOT...I may not be a superb teacher....but one thing for sure...I know I am NOT a TERRIBLE teacher...I tried my best during the first as well as the second practicum...I knew all along she doesnt like me....but never expected her to tell others I am a terrible teacher. WT...thats her name by the way....was shock when 2 other teachers (2 of them: Mdm P and Ms AP) disagreed with her. Well...I thought she was a terrible teacher...her class was noisy when she was teaching yet she didnt do anything...I disciplined them....according to her...this I am not sure...the kids didnt understand a single thing that I taught to them....well...that made me think...what were the actual stuff that I taught those kids...so what I did...I looked through my practicum file....looked at the lesson plans and my evaluation forms....all of them....below are some of the things I taught the kids

1)I taught them how to write recounts...I gave them the breakdown and even showed an example and key areas found in a recount using a storyline and went thru the structure as well as the grammatical aspects of such writings. I used a skeleton as an example and asked them to fill the empty skeleton

2)Then in guided reading, the topic was on healthy living...so what I did...I showed them slides on different types of activities...then I showed slides on Animals' race...which I thought was interesting...but apparently...the kids learnt nothing...hmmm

3)Then after that I linked their Field trip with sports by showing sports for crocodiles...then I linked it to the Sports Meet as well...

4) We talked about advertisement and then I ask the kids to prepare an advertisement and promote their product. They did a role play as buyers and sellers....and I thought they had fun and there were many teaching point that was highlighted during that lesson.

5) Back to basic...I also taught grammar...unlike Mdm WT...who didnt use much IT...I used slides to show the effect for past, present and future tense...then I gave them a set of dialogue they are to identify the grammatical aspect of it...which I thought they did well...coz I wrote notes for that....if they didnt understand the lesson,...they would not have been able to do the exercise I suppose...well...what to do...I am a terrible teacher...according to Mdm WT

6)We did about sharks as well...not only did I cover the different type of sharks....I even asked the kids to research on different aspect of sharks...using KWL

7) My comparative and superlative lesson with the class went extremely well..infact...I received straight As from both my CT (Mdm WT) as well as my school supervisor...hmmm...and I was a bad teacher...yep...I dont understand.

8) I linked the earlier lesson about sharks to teach adjectives....describing words...the kids...again...did well...this was done thru wordweb...this we started with animal ESP...a game I played with them in class.

9) Linking to sharks...we talked about danerous creatures...another interesting lesson...the kids were excited about the research and were eager to share with the class about their findings.

10)Then off course....the normal lessons...those not basic fundamentals of English such as grammars, punctuation, vocabulary and all other stuff..

So...am I still a terrible teacher? I really doubt so...my hands were tight then...I cant drill those kids...I had to showcase interesting lessons to score point...thats the whole idea about practicum...anyone can vouch for that...I was always thinking of different method and trying them even though they were risky...I will always take the risk...I used learning centre, KWL, wordweb, stations, gallery and other methods to make the lesson more appealing for the kids....so am I still a terrible teacher...well....I doubt so...I can't say I am a good one...all I can say is I am trying to improve myself all the time and still learning...though I am full-fledged now....angry as I am with such remarks....it wont make me falter...it just made me stronger...to show her and people like her...I am not what she thinks I am...too bad...I got into her bad book...that I can't help...if she dislike me...I can't make her like me.

Searching the soul

How can I say I don’t care?
When my heart screams otherwise
How can I give it a rest?
When it is my heartbeat

Is this what one’s call egotism?
I knew I have it let it go
I just couldn’t
I knew it would be condemning
But yet I trace it

What options do I have?
When I can’t let it go
What route should I seize?
When every direction I make has restrictions

If I could just it cease
I would stop this feeling
Stop caring and stop ensuring myself
That everything will be eventually all right
When it could never be
When it never will

Heavy Heart

This heart is heavy to let it go
This heart ache for it to come
This heart is painful as it is
What is wrong with this heart

Tried as heart
This heart does not listen
Force as much
This heart weakens

Though the pain is too much to bear
This heart is saying "Not to give up"
This heart is pushing "Move on"

Though many times the byes are said
This heart just won't let go
This heavy heart is out to ruin the life
The life that was never there in the first place

A new semester begins

Before I know it, my holidays are over. Was it a holiday? Not really! Yes, I didnt have to teach the kids, yes no need to have piles and piles of marking to add on to the existing ones.

What I did during the holidays:

(i) Plan the banner for the vendors
(ii) Call and keep calling the vendors to liase with her on the banners for Mid Autumn Festival celebration for the school
(iii) I World I teach lecture...though it was a bore...the ending was interesting. I enjoyed the skit.
(iv) SA2 paper: I did the paper with Mdm Rathni...it was a breeze working with her
(v) Finished up the PowerPoint on pollination
(vi) Prepared a quiz on the topic on pollination
(vii) Prepared a poster for Mid Autumn Festival to be displayed in the school
(ix) Clear all my amrkings
(x) Did the erecord for the next two weeks
(xi) Plan the new things I want to try with the class to improve their writing skill

Well, thats what I remembered...I think that should be all. However, I also did enjoy myself a little bit.
-Meet up my buddies and catch up
-Meet up my NTU mates and enjoyed the coffee session at Starbucks
-Shop a little
-Karaoke session
-Watch a few dvds
-Gym
-Jog
-Dyed my hair....though it doesnt seem to show
-And most importantly sleep sleep sleep

And tomorrow onwards, a new chapter of my life will begin. Why is it a new chapter? Hmmm...because I need to close the old book as there's too much sadness in the old book...a lot of mishap happened to me...I knew I am an unlucky person...but never would I have guessed I am that unlucky.

When tomorrow comes,
-I aim to work harder at work to make people see beyond my freak lost
-To take bus to school
-To do better at work, at home, with friends and everything I will do in life
-To choose a better in path and not rake the past.

So tomorrow...here I come

When I am gone...

When I am gone,
I do not want to be recognised,
I want to be remembered.

When I fade,
I don't to just dissolve.
I want to be mentioned,
By my loved ones.

When I fall,
I don't want to be discard,
But I want to be missed.

And...
When I diminish,
I don't want the cries,
I want the smiles,
I want you to remember the happy moments.

Pain

This pain
Comes again
Not that I ask for it
Not that I want it

This pain
Comes suddenly
A sudden attack
A sudden pin

This pain...
Why this pain occurs,
I don't know
How to make it disappear
Is beyond me...
But I know
This pain is here to stay
Until I learn to let it go
Until I am strong again

Teaching

AP and I were discussing about teachers and their passion in teaching. Well, come to think of it, I miss my 17 kids who see me as one of them, who always add me in everything they do, to name a few so far: 1)When the school photographer asked them how many pupils there are in the class, they innocently said 17 + 1(our teacher). Then during NE show, twice they showed me they care, 2)They added me when they took the National Day's bag and 3) Added me yet again when they collected their food.

I am definitely touched my all these from the kids. Ive had a bad patch recently, when I lost my laptop. I was actually thinking, probably if I am not in this line and not have too many things on my mind, I may not have to incur the lost (of paying the 2 laptops I lost). But when I received a card from a student(amongst the many beautiful cards and presents), I was so touched. The kid (although some of the teachers threw unkind words to me) said something(though kinda ruthless) touched me. She felt my pain. That little (11 year-old) kid felt my pain when adults couldn't. She actually wrote in the card, Ms Z...I know you have been very sad lately when you lost your laptop. Although all of us could not give you a new laptop, I hope the person fingers will rot when he touched the laptop he took from you. No! I did not tell her to do so! But the fact that she knew how miserable I have felt touched my heart. Moreover, the sharkies have been so much better the last week or so, they have become my little dolphins..all of them! All these gestures from my kids are greatly appreciated.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~These are my angels~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Primary 5.12~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why??

Why do women want to have what they cant?
Why do women like to play with fire?
When they know they will burn?

Why do women think everything is okay about anything
But remains miserable about everything

Why women have to feel more pain than men?
Why do they stay when they know it hurts more than to leave?

Why women prefer to feel more pain?
Than to leave and be happier?

Why must women start thinking like men?
When men are not doing the same?

Has anyone wonder these questions?
Have they ever been answered?

The kids have hearts

Well, my kids...I mean my students heard about my lost...well...the two laptops off coz...and what they said was so sweet....don't worry Ms Z....we shall each contribute $50 for Teachers' Day, then u can buy your laptop...how sweet is that....well...they have always plus me for everything these days...photography session...the photographer asked...how many students are there in the kids...the kids replied...theres 17 of us but must plus our teacher so 18 altogether...then during NE day, they added me when they took the bags, again counted me in when they took the food....how sweet rite...I'm sooo touched....yes...they have their naughty days...and trust me...I always get angry...amidst all these, they are simply sweet and adorable...it even moved me to tears when they said they want to give $50 dollars each....off course I reject the offer...I told them as long as they dont get into trouble and study very hard...they make me happy...don't need to even buy me a gift and waste their money.

I sure hope there are more people out there who have pure hearts as these kids...they are just my angels....all of them!

Lost of two laptops

How I wish yesterday didn't happen; at least not like it was yesterday

The yesterday refers to the fateful day: 21st August 2006, the day I lost 2 of the school's laptops. It made me fall to a depressive mode. How could anyone who found it not return it. It is so valuable to me. I do not mind rewarding the person who took it. The laptops are Fujitsu S6220 and Apple I-book. I am writing this hoping that anyone who read it to pass the message around. Hopefully, the person who has it will return it to me.

This is how it happened:

I left the laptops in the cab at the back seat on my way to school from Hougang Ave 1 to Hougang Street 93 on Mon 21 August 2006 at 630 am - 640 am. Upon realising it soon after, I called the cab company and frantically tried locating the driver but to no avail as I do not have the taxi plate number. Please pass this message around to your friends. I cant believe that Singaporeans are this dishonest. Please return the laptops to me. I will grateful to you, whoever who has any information about the person holding 2 laptops which he/she found in a cab or even the cabbie who had found 2 laptops.

I am already losing hope and trust for my fellow Singaporeans. I am appealing for your kindness as there are many documents that are important to me in the laptops. Thank you again for all the kind souls out there.

You can email me at mszarinah@hotmail.com if you have any information.

Its 2 Short Days

Gosh, I am wrong. I have this idea that the day will end at 12 noon. But it doesnt seem to end. I am bored! I have nothing to do, and yet I am stuck here. Its torturous. But whatever it is, once I can go home, I will do that straight away. Looking forward to that....yeah!

Dedication

I found out from AP that one of my students had actually sent me a teachers' day message. I didnt know about the website...and boy was I pleasant suprised.

The message is as such:
Thank you Miss Zarina for guiding me through my studies. I will do my best in the exams and make my family and my favorutie form teacher proud! ...

Gee....I am so touched by the message. I never know I would touch a child's heart. I do hope that I will make a difference to these kids lives, for the better off course. I dunno how I am going to do that, but I will try. I cant be the best teacher but I can try and make a difference!

Coz I know there are a few teachers who have made a difference in my life as a student, to these people, thank you for your endless effort and guidance!

Arrow Shooting at Me

Nope nope, its not the cupid, it is not shooting the love potion to me, its work work work. Yep, because of work, I had to rescheduled my course to another date, because of work, I had to do more lesson than I am already required. Work work work! It is starting to make me feel sick! Not sick of the kids, but the arrows!

And yep, I am unhappy, unhappy that I have to print my own notes? WHY WHY WHY?? Because they are not intelligent?! Because they are not smart?! Because they are not worthy of the worksheets?! Why?! Why must kids be labelled as such?! WHY?! I dunno it will do them any good the practice worksheets that I am giving them. SOmetimes, I know its too difficult for them. As much as I tried to explain the simple concepts and get them to understand that actually, the questions were not that difficult after all, they were just tricky, but these kids...hmmmm, they still don't understand! Why?! WHY?! WHY?! It is beginning to irritate me! Where the hell am I suppose to find books, assessment books, that are relevant to their needs and requirements! Help me here! I have tried finding them in bookstores but I don't seem to be able to get the right assessment books to cater to their needs. All the assessment books are catered for the intelligent kids, WHAT HAPPEN TO THE EM3s? Why are they forgotten by publishers? WHY WHY WHY?!

TGIF

Well, goodness off coz Friday is finally here. However, I have a lot of things of do this weekend. How good can that be? I have to run a few errands after school today for tomorrow's feast at home. Have to be at home tomorrow for the feast. And before I know it, it will be Sunday again. And preparations for work the next day as well as my tuition. How sad life can be....so again, like many weeks before, I dont have much fun on a weekend!