Lifeless Teddy

You are alive yet inanimate
You are there yet not?
You are close yet far
You are precious yet worthless

You are special yet separate
You are amazing yet repugnant
You are gem but yet just a stone
So how to keep you mortal
That's a journey one has forsaken

It is.....

Hooray, hooray. It's holi---holi---holiday....yeah
Hooray, hooray, lets all come and play!

What is my plan for this holiday.
Read lotsa science books...I really have lost touch in science. Maybe studying English and Lit too much can be quite a negative thing...it made me a non-sicence person. But no worries mate (foresee where I can go in that slang), I have it all planned. I have bought a number of books to ensure that I am prepared to teach Science next year. Another subject that worries me, MATHEMATICS...why is primary Math bloody difficult. I am doing a few questions in Secondary Math, which are ridiculously easy...so why primary math is so freakingly difficult...but no qualms....again I have equipped myself with more books....I bought a few assessments books amounting to a few hundreds to help me with all these weakness or problems I may face next year...where I have to take the tail-end EM2 class...challenges, hurdles...I am prepared...along with a group of boring bunch of teachers (prolly because I don't know them well enough), I will survive next year...I will make it my best year...ya rite!

As for now, besides all those readings and school stuff I am preparing for myself, I plan to do some readings....well...trash off coz...I have not been reading since I started teaching (well I read alot, but all kids books..so that don't equate to reading). Besides that a trip, yeah, definitely a trip..I need a holiday urgently...I need to be far far and away for at least a few days....away from reality...to my dreamland where everything goes on a slow pace...love that. I would also wanna bother a few people during these holidays, one of whom I have blatantly declared...I AM GOING TO BOTHER YOU...haha...looking forward to that...stretching people's patience...hmmm...sleep....lotsa sleep...surfing, what else...well....thats enough for a few weeks...shall think of more things to do as I continue my holi...holiday....whatever it is...my teaching for this year is over (minus the tuitions off coz)...and I met a few nice kids (17 in total) during the 6 months I taught...with many wonderful memories I will surely keep with me forever and ever...ok...dramatic a little....I suppose because I am new..so that happens...yup yup...thats it for the year for me...holiday...here I come!

The Last Day of School

It is finally the last day of the school...for the kids at least. For teachers, we would have at least 3 days more next week before we finally call for a break. Six months down, I am already hating this stupid job. Well, to be frank, I still like the teaching part, very much I must say. But I hated other things about the job. I hate the fact that I am bosses around, I hate the fact that I will be teaching P5 next year, I hate a lot things. I am beginning to even hate the people...which is terribly bad...coz I am not normally like that. But no choice, I don't care anymore. Give me whatever they choose, I will try. Initially I thought of fighting for my class, but in the end, I thought it would be fruitless to do so and it will cause me a lot of trouble, so I decided against it. That also after consulting a few teachers. One of the teachers in school actually had helped me out by voicing my interest to go up with my current class. However, after giving some excuses, I was given another class by the PowerCamp coz one particular person ( the big heads off coz) think I am trained in webblogging....like whatever, everyone can do it...not that difficult. It doesnt take an idiot to learn it....so they shouldnt have a problem with it....but because of it, I am stuck...like whatever ( I am not in English or IT, the two depts handling this), but I have to do it...coz the Powercamps said I have to. Unhappy Unhappy UNHAPPY

Which is better?

Questions to Ponder:

Question 1:
You are given to 2 diamonds to choose from. First one, you love it but it is beyond your means. The second is just okay and you are not keen about. Which diamond would you choose and your reason for it.

Question 2:
You are an angel. You are required to send a person one wish. What would that wish be and your reason for it.

Question 3:
After a long tiring trip, someone ask you out. Who would be the likely person for a yes?
a)Your parents
b)The one you love
c)A friend
d)An enemy
Your reason for it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever it is

You don't want to be near
Coz you fear of the rumour you hear

You don't want to be seen
As if it is a sin

Do you really care?
ASK!
That I wouldn't dare

Hurt by this is great,
Life becoming a dread

Could I bury this
Leave it as a hiss

Wish it is that easy
This brain is getting fuzzy
Dealing with it is too dizzy
Making one crazy

Pain

If only I could run,
I would have been far gone.
If only I could hide myself,
It would have been buried deep.

I am losing the control I once have
I am losing the faith I once conquer
I am losing touch of the being that I once held
I am losing the trust I once have for myself

This pain is too much
The anger is too crazy
This hell is too traumatising
This life is too tiring.

Pain

I feel like hailing
I feel like yelling
I can’t take it no more
I have to learn to let go

But why, why am I such a woozy?
But why, why can’t it be easy?

I am tired of pretending
I am sick of seeking the truth

I have lost the track
From all the lies
I have lost the faith
From all the pain

Another Arrow from the PowerCamp

Gosh, yet another arrow...and this time round for the internal audit...how am I suppose to answer the questions....how...how...how...gee....why am I so unlucky....always arroewed to do such things....why am I punished for the lost of those two laptops when I will eventually have to pay for it...why why why....well...I know there will never be answers to all my questions...and no is never an option...the options are always yes or yes to any questions asked....so pointless...just face it and do...the choice isnt mine to make...I have learnt to go with the flow and do whatever is needed of me without any questions...the more you ask...the more work is given to you...so shut up and just do the work assigned to you...sad...but thats life work is for many I suppose...not just for me.

A tiring Raya indeed

What a month it has been...full of challenges...full of arguments...full of anger...full of questions...be it at work, home or anywhere else. Work has been a real challenge...with lotsa things...home...well...home has been alrite actually..except for the fact my gran has been in and out of hospital and boy...has it been physically and mentally tiring for everyone at home. My gran has not been easy though she is sick...looking after her and her demands can also be super tiring. It has been a week after raya and today, again, she is back in hospital. And today my sis sent her to SGH, as per her request...though it is extremely far from our place and she expects us to go over practically everyday....hmmm...and work...with all the demands...dunno how is that possible...I dont even have time for friends these days...not even in raya mood

Your Choice: A Yes or a Yes

WHat kind of an option is that? THe question asked was "Are you you free to go for the workshop?" The answer to it was "No" but off course that was not taken into consideration as I was force to go whether I like it or not. I ended up going for the course. Though I didnt know what I learnt from the course, I did stay till the end of the whole thing and left feeling blur, didnt enjoy myself...another course on Mon, well...my Science course now....kinda looking forward to it...but yet nervous coz I am terrible in Science.

Ignoring the giant

Today I met the giant in school...I can't help it but to ignore her. I know it is cruel of me to do that, but I can't help it. I would rather someone comes staright to my face and tell me I am a terrible teacher. But what giant did was really ruthless, telling others...she may not like me personally, maybe I stepped her toes or simply because she dislikes my face, but that is no excuse to throw such remarks at me. Now I see her differently, now I see her as someone with big...no huge asrse on the mouth...yep...sorry giant....thats how I see you...I wish you could see this...I felt guilty for ignoring her after that, then I talked to her....which is stupid...coz I think she knew I was ignoring her in the beginning as I made it so apparent...to bad...I can't be as ruthless...I wish I could though

A tiring day indeed

I visited Nani again today...by the way...Nani is what I called my grandmother...dunno why...these few days...my heart has been beating very fast...I am very worried about her...the same person I had several arguments with....seeing her like that made me sad....to think she is a super strong woman ...now she becomes so weak....she had very low blood count today...luckily, the doctors found out...she was suppose to be discharged today...she could have suffered a heart attack due to the anaemia...

Then, as promise, I went out with my group of friends...but seriously...my heart was not in the outing...more of home and hospital..suddenly now...I am more concerned about people at home as well as my grand in the hospital...then when my friends wanted to watch a movie after our dinner together...I excuse myself...told them I need to go home...I just feel that it is inappropriate to be enjoying myself when there are so many problems back home...so I went home instead.

I am a terrible teacher!

Well...that was the remarks given to me by one of the teachers. She think I am a terrible teacher who didnt teach her class anything. I am inefficient and I did a terrible job during my first practicum...do I agree to that accusation...DEFINITELY NOT...I may not be a superb teacher....but one thing for sure...I know I am NOT a TERRIBLE teacher...I tried my best during the first as well as the second practicum...I knew all along she doesnt like me....but never expected her to tell others I am a terrible teacher. WT...thats her name by the way....was shock when 2 other teachers (2 of them: Mdm P and Ms AP) disagreed with her. Well...I thought she was a terrible teacher...her class was noisy when she was teaching yet she didnt do anything...I disciplined them....according to her...this I am not sure...the kids didnt understand a single thing that I taught to them....well...that made me think...what were the actual stuff that I taught those kids...so what I did...I looked through my practicum file....looked at the lesson plans and my evaluation forms....all of them....below are some of the things I taught the kids

1)I taught them how to write recounts...I gave them the breakdown and even showed an example and key areas found in a recount using a storyline and went thru the structure as well as the grammatical aspects of such writings. I used a skeleton as an example and asked them to fill the empty skeleton

2)Then in guided reading, the topic was on healthy living...so what I did...I showed them slides on different types of activities...then I showed slides on Animals' race...which I thought was interesting...but apparently...the kids learnt nothing...hmmm

3)Then after that I linked their Field trip with sports by showing sports for crocodiles...then I linked it to the Sports Meet as well...

4) We talked about advertisement and then I ask the kids to prepare an advertisement and promote their product. They did a role play as buyers and sellers....and I thought they had fun and there were many teaching point that was highlighted during that lesson.

5) Back to basic...I also taught grammar...unlike Mdm WT...who didnt use much IT...I used slides to show the effect for past, present and future tense...then I gave them a set of dialogue they are to identify the grammatical aspect of it...which I thought they did well...coz I wrote notes for that....if they didnt understand the lesson,...they would not have been able to do the exercise I suppose...well...what to do...I am a terrible teacher...according to Mdm WT

6)We did about sharks as well...not only did I cover the different type of sharks....I even asked the kids to research on different aspect of sharks...using KWL

7) My comparative and superlative lesson with the class went extremely well..infact...I received straight As from both my CT (Mdm WT) as well as my school supervisor...hmmm...and I was a bad teacher...yep...I dont understand.

8) I linked the earlier lesson about sharks to teach adjectives....describing words...the kids...again...did well...this was done thru wordweb...this we started with animal ESP...a game I played with them in class.

9) Linking to sharks...we talked about danerous creatures...another interesting lesson...the kids were excited about the research and were eager to share with the class about their findings.

10)Then off course....the normal lessons...those not basic fundamentals of English such as grammars, punctuation, vocabulary and all other stuff..

So...am I still a terrible teacher? I really doubt so...my hands were tight then...I cant drill those kids...I had to showcase interesting lessons to score point...thats the whole idea about practicum...anyone can vouch for that...I was always thinking of different method and trying them even though they were risky...I will always take the risk...I used learning centre, KWL, wordweb, stations, gallery and other methods to make the lesson more appealing for the kids....so am I still a terrible teacher...well....I doubt so...I can't say I am a good one...all I can say is I am trying to improve myself all the time and still learning...though I am full-fledged now....angry as I am with such remarks....it wont make me falter...it just made me stronger...to show her and people like her...I am not what she thinks I am...too bad...I got into her bad book...that I can't help...if she dislike me...I can't make her like me.

Searching the soul

How can I say I don’t care?
When my heart screams otherwise
How can I give it a rest?
When it is my heartbeat

Is this what one’s call egotism?
I knew I have it let it go
I just couldn’t
I knew it would be condemning
But yet I trace it

What options do I have?
When I can’t let it go
What route should I seize?
When every direction I make has restrictions

If I could just it cease
I would stop this feeling
Stop caring and stop ensuring myself
That everything will be eventually all right
When it could never be
When it never will

Heavy Heart

This heart is heavy to let it go
This heart ache for it to come
This heart is painful as it is
What is wrong with this heart

Tried as heart
This heart does not listen
Force as much
This heart weakens

Though the pain is too much to bear
This heart is saying "Not to give up"
This heart is pushing "Move on"

Though many times the byes are said
This heart just won't let go
This heavy heart is out to ruin the life
The life that was never there in the first place

A new semester begins

Before I know it, my holidays are over. Was it a holiday? Not really! Yes, I didnt have to teach the kids, yes no need to have piles and piles of marking to add on to the existing ones.

What I did during the holidays:

(i) Plan the banner for the vendors
(ii) Call and keep calling the vendors to liase with her on the banners for Mid Autumn Festival celebration for the school
(iii) I World I teach lecture...though it was a bore...the ending was interesting. I enjoyed the skit.
(iv) SA2 paper: I did the paper with Mdm Rathni...it was a breeze working with her
(v) Finished up the PowerPoint on pollination
(vi) Prepared a quiz on the topic on pollination
(vii) Prepared a poster for Mid Autumn Festival to be displayed in the school
(ix) Clear all my amrkings
(x) Did the erecord for the next two weeks
(xi) Plan the new things I want to try with the class to improve their writing skill

Well, thats what I remembered...I think that should be all. However, I also did enjoy myself a little bit.
-Meet up my buddies and catch up
-Meet up my NTU mates and enjoyed the coffee session at Starbucks
-Shop a little
-Karaoke session
-Watch a few dvds
-Gym
-Jog
-Dyed my hair....though it doesnt seem to show
-And most importantly sleep sleep sleep

And tomorrow onwards, a new chapter of my life will begin. Why is it a new chapter? Hmmm...because I need to close the old book as there's too much sadness in the old book...a lot of mishap happened to me...I knew I am an unlucky person...but never would I have guessed I am that unlucky.

When tomorrow comes,
-I aim to work harder at work to make people see beyond my freak lost
-To take bus to school
-To do better at work, at home, with friends and everything I will do in life
-To choose a better in path and not rake the past.

So tomorrow...here I come

When I am gone...

When I am gone,
I do not want to be recognised,
I want to be remembered.

When I fade,
I don't to just dissolve.
I want to be mentioned,
By my loved ones.

When I fall,
I don't want to be discard,
But I want to be missed.

And...
When I diminish,
I don't want the cries,
I want the smiles,
I want you to remember the happy moments.

Pain

This pain
Comes again
Not that I ask for it
Not that I want it

This pain
Comes suddenly
A sudden attack
A sudden pin

This pain...
Why this pain occurs,
I don't know
How to make it disappear
Is beyond me...
But I know
This pain is here to stay
Until I learn to let it go
Until I am strong again

Teaching

AP and I were discussing about teachers and their passion in teaching. Well, come to think of it, I miss my 17 kids who see me as one of them, who always add me in everything they do, to name a few so far: 1)When the school photographer asked them how many pupils there are in the class, they innocently said 17 + 1(our teacher). Then during NE show, twice they showed me they care, 2)They added me when they took the National Day's bag and 3) Added me yet again when they collected their food.

I am definitely touched my all these from the kids. Ive had a bad patch recently, when I lost my laptop. I was actually thinking, probably if I am not in this line and not have too many things on my mind, I may not have to incur the lost (of paying the 2 laptops I lost). But when I received a card from a student(amongst the many beautiful cards and presents), I was so touched. The kid (although some of the teachers threw unkind words to me) said something(though kinda ruthless) touched me. She felt my pain. That little (11 year-old) kid felt my pain when adults couldn't. She actually wrote in the card, Ms Z...I know you have been very sad lately when you lost your laptop. Although all of us could not give you a new laptop, I hope the person fingers will rot when he touched the laptop he took from you. No! I did not tell her to do so! But the fact that she knew how miserable I have felt touched my heart. Moreover, the sharkies have been so much better the last week or so, they have become my little dolphins..all of them! All these gestures from my kids are greatly appreciated.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~These are my angels~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Primary 5.12~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why??

Why do women want to have what they cant?
Why do women like to play with fire?
When they know they will burn?

Why do women think everything is okay about anything
But remains miserable about everything

Why women have to feel more pain than men?
Why do they stay when they know it hurts more than to leave?

Why women prefer to feel more pain?
Than to leave and be happier?

Why must women start thinking like men?
When men are not doing the same?

Has anyone wonder these questions?
Have they ever been answered?