If anyone were to ask me now whether I am a happy person, I can safely say, I am not. I still dont know what I do in my life to deserve this wretched outcome in life. I am still angry with the way my life turns out. I was extremely happy. I gave my love but yet, it turned out to be like this. I should have protect my heart from this harm. It was actually something I could have avoided but yet I plunged myself into it and look at what had happened. Stupid me, stupid me. It is so easy for him to go through life motion but it is still super painful for me, why?
I have been asking God this question, why put me through such test? I have had a lot of challenges in my life? Why put me through this miserable test? Allah, I am really having a hard time coping with my life right now. I wish I could do something, turn back the clock, disappear from the face of the earth or run away and hide and never to be seen again. But I cant! Mummy is already so devastated. Everyday, without fail, she will ask, why did he do what he did. What harm did our family do to him? We were all so nice to him? Why didnt you tell him you were learning how to cook and everything? Well, the only thing I could tell her is I didnt expect him to do what he did. No one could understand this mental turmoil I am in and the depression that is setting in. For the first time 3 years, I spoke to Taufiq yesterday. No, I didnt tell him what had happened, I asked him about some medicine and pills. He thought I have become a druggie. haha, off course not! I told him. I just wanted to know some sleeping pills that I could take coz the one the doctor offered is not strong as I am still very much awake, even after taking the medicine. i cant survive like this. I am losing weight, losing hair and soon, if no precautionary measures are taken, my P would think I cant handle my work, which is actually not true. I must take control of myself. But Allah, please guide me to that. Please set my purpose in life right again. I have no bad wish for him, how could I, I am still in love with the man. Allah, please release the feelings I have for him. Please assist me in handling my emotions, only You know I feel and how miserable life has been for me. I need Your help desperately God. Thanks Allah
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