A note

Holding on to an empty heart
Really shallow inside

I blame no one for the pain
Only myself to have had it retained
Though there's nothing there to gain

The misery will be over
Just needed to take cover

Only by keeping the lifeline off
Though its hard as the heart is too soft

No despair is needed
Not defeated

Only blessings when expired
And memories be transpired

Suicide Note

I was reading suicide notes from internet. No! I am not planning a suicide attempt and NO I don't have suicidal tendency. Just that sometimes when life is not heading the way I want it to be and the depressive mode is switched on, I feel better after reading such letters and notes. I may sound selfish and self-centred but these notes actually make me feel better and I will realise how minute my problem is as compared to many others. It will then hopefully make me want to be alive and achieve other aims that I've set for myself. I would then want to focus on my objectives and one of which is living itself. It also made me realised, how foolish to live life in such sadness due to such ache

But I can't imagine, if I ever write a suicide note, then what would the content be?

Wiriting one may be my triumph! And my freedom of my own pain. I will write it one of these days. Then you'd be my judge!

All the memories filled me in a throb
Pretending to be dead
Escaping from reality
But this dead heart
Still bleeds

I am an enemy to my own heart
I just need it to be lifeless
Then the pain will not clasp my heart
So I could set it free

For the first time,
Things will never be the same again
For the first time,
It marks the end

Thought it would be better
But felt battered
Pain and tattered

Drowned beneath the bane
Sinking in the rain
Trying hard to keep sane

Feels like catching the first train
As pain is even in the brain
Already feels drained

PSLE is over....at least for my students

Yessssssssssssss......exam is over! Finally. So tiring! But happy that its over. My kids are also happy. I received many smses from them....all smiles and sounded really super duper happy. In fact, I was also in high spirit today, I never felt that...for the longest time. And what time school ended today for...1030am...the earliest I've ever had...and I left right after that....It sure felt good....finally...I'm able to just go off...without feeling stress that probably I've not given my students enough remedials....I'm called perverted, remedial queen and many other names...well...I had to...I feel responsible to ensure that the kids pass their exam or at least leave the school...I don't expect others to understand...I just need to ensure myself that I have tried my best for these kids...the rest is up to them and fate...not I am leaving everything in the hands of God...pleaseeeeeeeeee....let all my 22 kids pass.

Tired

I am super tireddddddddddddddddd. Waiting for this to be over....one week...and its over. To be precise its actually 4 days before the end....my students PSLE off course!

Ramadhan Gathering:Primary School Mates

Its been sooooo many years after I graduated from Primary School. Little would I know, I would meet all these people I spent those 6 years of my life now. Last Friday, we all had a gathering. It was sweet. Many of them are married with kids, a few changes (like adding a few kilos, and totally changed outlook) while others remain the same (as jovial as ever). I was told that I didnt change much. We spent the whole three hours or so reminiscing the moments.

Thanks to Mimi (Norhamimi), who got all our contacts from various networks(mostly Friendster I suppose), we met up at Seoul Garden. It was definitely a wonderful reunion. Too bad some of them couldnt make it. If not, it would have been so much nicer.

What a day it has been!

Its listening comprehension exam. Nearly half of the teachers from my school went to this particular school. It felt good to have all the 'kakis' there. Then it was a better news when I found out I don't need to invigilate the first part of LC. But kinda bored! I should have brought my marking...urgh...would have done lots of it then. We (4 of us) spent the morning chit chatting and zoning in and out of a few small talks. Then the first LC group came. I found out I also did not need to invigilate....isnt that great! So more sitting down chit chatting nonsense with my collegaues...now minus one as she had to take over someone who was not feeling well. While chit chatting, one of my male colleagues popped up with a weird question...."Why you don't want a bf?" Huh?! Didnt know how to answer that....I think they knew I am uncomfy with the question. Finally I said I am choosy....which is true....I am choosy. So that's the end of it.

Finally the second group came back. The counting of the scripts took ages....finally we left at about 2 plus....I was too tired so I went home...and what I did at home....slept...slept...slept....felt a piglet...heehee..But felt good too...it has indeed been a tiring week for me.

Teachers' Day Celebration in School

Caught in the act

Strike a post gals!

Click that!

Something stuck...

I am glowing...

Orchid Country Club: Teachers' Day Dinner

It was held at the place named above and the theme, Bollywood Nite. Well, it was definitely not a problem as it was my forte. The nite, it was okay, though I personally feel the MC was a crappy man. I can barely understand what he said. He dude is the joke himself...his jokes however, were not exactly funny. The opening for the nite, a Bhangra dance. That was surely cool...interesting acrobats. Show you a snippet of the event...not the event itself...but of a few teachers posing in pitch dark background.

You snap me, I snap you!

Bollywood Beauties

With Colleagues...

When it is over

Is it over?
It looks like it

You never said it
But its shown clearly
That it is over

This time,
No more rambling
A quiet retreat is chosen

Support is still given
Though I'd be gone for good
Tired of waiting,
And knowing it's in vain


Seeking new shores
Going for the dive
But doing it on my own
With no more obligations

Jealousy

“Jealousy is that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves”Joseph Addison

Will you feel jealous if someone you loves is out with another person though it may be a friend? Spoke to a friend about it. And unbelievably, no jealousy was traced. However, the facial expression revealed a sense of jealousy but when asked further, the party was unpertubed about the issue and insist on having no reason to be jealous.

My question then is: If you are not jealous, does that mean you dont feel anything for the other party? Could it also be a scenario of “Yet he was jealous, though he did not show it, For jealousy dislikes the world to know it”Lord Byron as Love exist when jealousy is in existent" . So how certain can you be about how the person feels when he or she is not disturbed even though the other party the boyfriend or girlfriend is meeting used to like the latter. The reply my friend gave was the other party was no competitor. Maybe the level of confidence one has as "A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.”Robert A. Heinlein. Maybe there's truth to that. Rather than wasting time to be jealous about nothing, its best if one indluge in thinking about improving something.

Met an old friend

Isn't it nice to meet old friends?
Today I met an old friend.
It may be a short meeting,
But it was enjoyable
We catch up on old times
Talked about the new happenings
That was really wonderful

Had lunch at little India
Laughed about the old times
Laughed about new things
It surely felt great
Enjoyed the times

May you will have a great time there
And hopefully meet the girl of your dream
All the best wishes for you
Have fun in Japan

Today and Yesterday

Today is just great
Its wonderful

Today is magnificent
And history begins

Its simply marvelous
And beyond words

Why is it special?

Maybe because it's not yesterday

Yesterday,
That was a dread

Wasn't the day,
I'd rather forget

More of todays should come
And more of yesterdays should retreat
So happiness sets in
And miseries let go.

What will be

I know it won't
Secretly wishing for it

Sadly,
Prediction is coming true

Hopes,
Dashed to pieces

Dreams,
See fading away

Realisation,
Setting in

It may not be
Anymore

Hopes,
Cursed

Sadness,
Overpowering
And remains

Remote

When you need me,
I am searched
When you are busy,
I am thrown aside
How used I felt.

One day, I am thrown away
As I am seen useless
New one in exchange for me

I was sent to well I belong,
The dump
Resigning to my fate,
I told myself,
"This is the new place I will be"
Either with new owner or destroyed
Time will tell

Sad as it is,
Belonging to you,
I'll never be,
Ever again

Questions

Question after question were thrown
As the answers are all vague and blurred
Sounds were made to substitute response
Definite answers are not apparent
Probably since no value is attached to it

What a week it has been...

What a week it has been for me! Super vexed…super tired. Let’s talk about being super tired.

Last Saturday was my school’s CIMO (an open-house cum racial harmony day cum many more). I was in-charged of the Haunted House. The helper I got was super terrible, always disappearing, during the décor as well as during the event itself. Lucky for me, a colleague of mine, Winston, helped me a lot by doing a whole of things for me. He was a superb help although he was busy with own booth. I’m sure the “Haunted House” was a real success with lots of people entering it.

Then Monday and Tuesday, I was an Oral examiner for P6 Oral. On the first day, I had to take 22 students (EM2 kids). I had a hard time judging these kids. Had to be fair according to the EM2 level yet I know these kids were from the tail end. However, felt better when I was testing EM3 kids. I realized I could understand those kids better.

Come Wednesday, I had to go to NIE after school for a refresher course by Prof Chia. He was kind enough to give me a refresher course and Susan (my colleague) a Crash Course on OHP (Orchid Hybridisation). At the same time, we pollinated the first seedpod from our pollination about three months ago. On that day, I got real shocks. First, when I went to the orchid area, I realized that my second seedpod is plucked by someone (I have no idea who though). Rather sad to find out that coz it is such a tedious job to get it (though many people think what I am doing is easy, UNFORTUNATELY).

Then on Thursday, the day for BT Orientation was finally over. Super tiring…the whole day event. Phew, will pass it to the next BT…too tired.

Then finally, just when I thought I’d be free on Friday, my RO smsed me and asked if I do not mind attending a launch at Suntec. Off coz I had to agree…but seriously…I am super duper tired. Then at noon, after school, I finally asked her if its alright if I don’t attend the launch and luckily she said yes.

In btw those times, I also had to prepare slides, called suppliers for oreos and all my markings. But finally, the week is over. Next week will also be another long week for me, sadly though. And this makes me think of the direction I am heading after the 4 years. Do I or do I not want to stay? The question is still left unanswered. One thing for sure, I have the opportunity to leave now if I want, but would I take it? Not sure yet! Though some friends happiness made me want to leave. But leaving everything familiar to unfamiliar ground wouldn’t be easy, definitely!

Time Must Stop

There you were talking about the gals,
There I am thinking...
Thinking about us

There we were sharing,
Sharing about them.
There I am angry,
Angry about us.

Stop!
That I must do
You have your life,
I have mine!

Stop!
The dreams!
As dreams are dreams,
Will never be a reality.

Clarity is determined
Distance is made
No matter the closeness